Archive for relationships

Reality Check

Posted in Girl Bye.., Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 07/04/2014 by emellewriter

Yesterday, I had made a decision that I was going to go home (I’m currently out of town) and let a certain someone know what time it was. I had made up in my mind what I wanted and how and he was going to have to get with it or keep it moving …

 

And then I read this post by Jewel at her blog: A Perfect Fit

 

reality check

 

So here’s some background … I have known Jewel since I was a young, heartbroken and determined college student. God brought her into my life just as I was healing from a terrible situation and seeking God. She isn’t a perfect person but a woman that loves the Lord and has an open and bright heart. I share this because I want anyone reading to understand that I don’t read her blogs for the sake of reading, but because I know her heart is in the words…

 

So the post that I just read was in short about single women who are dating: knowing our worth and that we are good enough. Please read the entire blog whether you’re single or taken, man or woman. It was enlightening.

 

In it, she talks about many of the same things I have spoken about (on this blog and in other realms) and things that I am currently going through. One particular paragraph really hit home for me:

 

If a guy tells you he’s not looking for anything serious-He’s NOT looking for anything serious. I don’t care how pretty you are, how seductive you are-listen to him. He’s not ready.

 

How many times have I said this myself? A million! I’ve posted it on FB and twitter and said it to my friends but it wasn’t until I read these sentences (in the context of the entire post) that it finally hit me. The exact thing that I had been warning other people about, is the same exact thing I was getting ready to go and do! I wanted to tell a man that has told me more than once that he isn’t ready that he should be ready because I want something from him that he is unwilling or unable to give. Nevermind the fact that I already know that I won’t get it. It’s just the rebel in me wanting to “take a chance.” As I was reading Jewel’s post and reflecting on my own thoughts about this particular man, I heard me telling myself :

 

nene-girl-bye

 

I had to take the largest of chill pills and tell myself: Girl, that man don’t wantchu! (lol, that’s what I said).

 

See, the thing is, I have held on to feelings for this person for quite some time. And, instead of just letting them go, I allowed myself to fall deeper into them by giving away my time and energy which only made things worse. The more time, the more frivolous PDA, the more … whatever that we give each other, the harder it is to distinguish between what’s been said and what’s been shown. Because what I see and what I hear are two different things but I learned a long time ago that men will usually be very verbally clear even if the actions they show you contradict that.

 

We try to be everything we think the man wants. We act cool, not too needy. We act like we’re just “hanging and having fun.” We put on a front not to scare them away. I will tell you this-once you get married all those things you hid will come to light. You tried putting your best foot forward by hiding things but it’ll come out sooner or later. So why not, just be intentional in dating? Forget “just having fun”, women are delicate! We can’t play “the game” like men. God created us to love, and nurture and have hearts. We love strong! And you weren’t designed to do that for every man you meet nor were you created to have your heart broken over and over again. Really no one is.

 

I have come to realize (the hard way) that I’m not a “kick-it girl”. I am a “move into your heart” type of woman. I am not pleased by the causal  nature of  many dating situations. I’m not okay with the “having fun” when in the back of my mind I know I want something more. I have known this for a long time, this is what I did.

 

So I quit dating. I quit selling myself for close to nothing. God had bought me for a price-and I was going to start charging! Every cute guy with a good line was NOT going to be able to “get to know me.” If God created ONE man for ONE woman, then he had to be special.

 

I “quit” dating probably about 2 years ago. In fact, when I told this to one of my good male friends and he asked why – my reply was that I had to be focused on other things like school. His reply was “once you graduate, then what will your excuse be?” At the time I rolled my eyes and explained to him that I wouldn’t find excuses, but when the time was right it would be right. Fast forward and I realize that he was right, however, it wasn’t excuses that I found, just better reasons.

 

I found that dating just wasn’t working for me the way I was going about it. I allowed too many people to have my number, my conversation, my time, my affection … So I stopped. I found the things that were holding me back and figured out what changes needed to be made: choosing celibacy, choosing to be more selective, giving time to people who really and truly care for my best interests and learning patience.

 

And it works. I still meet bozos here and there but it’s easier to weed them out.

 

delete delete delete

 

On the other hand, I have moments like the one I started the post about in the first place. Moments where I want to ignore what I know to be true and right for me and just do what feels good. Moments where I have to sit back and assess where my thoughts are coming from – my heart? my confused mind? the outside world? lust? And that is when God blesses me with things like Jewel’s post. Things that put into perspective all of the choices I have made to shield myself from the shallow and murky world of dating.

 

I know that there are God-loving men out here who are marriage-minded and that there is one made solely for me. And I know that when the time is right, he’ll come around and God will bless our union. And, in the meantime, I have to do ensure that I am making God choices, not Me choices.

 

For today, that meant realizing that no matter what feelings I have for the gentleman I previously spoke of, those feelings would be best left alone for now. He is not ready and truthfully, neither am I. That doesn’t mean that in the future we wouldn’t be right for each other but it certainly doesn’t mean that we will. We could both just as well be being prepared for two other wonderful people and our dealings could even be blocking that. I don’t know, just speculating. However, what I do know is that I can’t push any man to do or be anything I want him to be. That means that no matter how badly I would want to tell this guy that I want to be with him and he needs to get his life, it wouldn’t matter what I said. If he wanted to be with me, he would let it be known.

 

Sometimes we just need a reality check, whether from a friend or a stranger. My reality check stopped me from throwing my heart back into a place where I knew it might not be welcomed. It reminded me to be patient and to be dutiful in my growth as a Woman of God. All that other stuff will eventually come along and moments like these, they pass. I’m just grateful that Jewel saw fit to bring these words from her heart to her blog for women like me who need a little check every once in a while.

 

You can find her post here at A Perfect Fit. 

 

 

This Is A Damn Shame

Posted in m. lauren speaks with tags , , , , on 08/03/2010 by emellewriter

Not only have I not written in ages for various reasons.. I have writers block (reason number 1)

I was reading Single Black Male and I got all inspired to blog.. but had nothing to blog about.. I mean.. really nothing whatsoever.. But I thought.. isn’t this blog about a young woman discovering herself as a single person and what she wants from life?! Well.. why don’t I just talk about that.. #duh

What I have learned in the past few months.. is what is important to me.. and that, of course, is the key to discovering who you are and what you want.. so…

What’s Important to Me:

1. School — Im going to grad school at the end of the this month and at least 5 times a day I think of something related to school

2. Money — or a lack thereof.. Because I am returning to school I am going to return to that old ballin stage known as “student”.. and the more I think about that.. the more I think about how I want to be fiscally responsible.. which leads to

3. Growing Up — Being spoiled has its perks.. you get whatever you want.. but that also means that you don’t learn the art of independence and taking care of yourself.. at this point I just want to be an adult and not have to depend on anyone else

The things that are most important to me involve becoming a better person and adult.. getting to know myself on a level I haven’t reached yet..

So even though I somewhat want a meaningful relationship.. I am in a place where I feel like I am not ready.. At this point in life.. getting in relationships just to have a “boyfriend” is basically stupid.. at this point (Im near 24 & out of undergrad) I am waiting for my husband to come along.. not a status “in a  relationship” on facebook.. I mean: stability..

Back to my not being ready: I don’t really have the time, energy or desire to build and maintain a brand new relationship.. all of my focuses revolve around me.. how could I devote any focus to another person when I am trying to build and maintain a relationship with myself!?

I’ve heard that men won’t get into relationships with women until they feel they’re done building upon themselves (i.e. career-focused) and that makes alot of sense.. If you are putting the majority of your focus on one thing and one person (self) why even drag another person into the mix!? They will probably end up neglected somehow anyway..

So I just decided to allow my focus to stick to what’s important to me and if a man comes along.. then it’s whatever..

It’s that attitude “it’s whatever” that lets me know that I may be ready in some ways horny as hell but not truly desiring a relationship or the pursuing of one.. or at least that I don’t need to be pursuing one

Its more important at this juncture to do what will make me a better person so that in the future when I meet someone.. I can put my focus into that relationship rather than leaving it on the backburner while I make myself greater

It’s Been A Long Time

Posted in m. lauren speaks, Single and Loving It, The Way I See It with tags , , , on 06/25/2010 by emellewriter

Hey Love Bugs!!! m. lauren has missed you all!! I’ve been busy working and getting into grad school (whoop) and living my fabulous life chock full of fabulousness o_O

So…… I know ya’ll didn’t think I was gonna get on here and write about how long its been since I’ve posted!?!?

NO!! It really has been a “long time” *wink wink nudge nudge* ya’ll know what I mean*

So listen.. I decided a few weeks back to be celibate.. and well.. I haven’t had the urge at all.. and I guess that makes the decision weirder but I just think its natural to have the urge so.. where is mine!?!?

I think it’s mad weird.. so I googled it and………… well all I got was a bunch of religious stuff and gave up on Google page 2…

Anywho..

I guess my reason for celibacy is more important that the absence of “the urge” (I don’t know any sfw synonyms ok?)

WHY I AM CELIBATE:

So.. I have always had an issue with “taking it slow” and giving in to my feelings.. so I decided that I would leave the physical 100% out of the equation until I found someone that I felt I could be with totally.. minus the physical..

I would much rather get to know a person and fall in love with who they are than how they put it down..

That’s pretty much it..

Just thought I’d share..

What about you guys?!?! Anyone out there practicing celibacy!?!? (And I know which one of yall are hoes so don’t get ta lyin!)

xoxo,

m lauren

Successful and Single and WHO CARES?!

Posted in Are You Serious?!, Sigh Life, The Way I See It with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 04/23/2010 by emellewriter

Man.. I am SO far gone #NoDrake over these regular people relationship “experts” and “gurus” talking about why successful black women don’t have men..

WHO CARES!? Why is it so concerning to everyone why we’re unmarried and single!?! I mean.. consider this..

“I am happy being single”

Sheesh.. Some of us are happy building up ourselves and becoming excellent women on our own so that we can be excellent wives one day..

And some of us have no desire to be in relationships at all and may plan to be unmarried..

I don’t understand why it is anyone elses concern why we’re single and why there is so much speculation..

Men are intimidated by us.. so what?! People in general are intimidated by success and strength but it doesn’t stop us from having good family and friends.. so.. what you sayin!?

We’re too independent for our own good.. sigh! I’ll be the first to say that I’m not.. but what’s wrong with holding down the fort while you can or have to!? Now.. when a man comes into the picture.. as long as we let him be a man.. whats the problem!?

All I have to say about it is this: blah blah blah..

I consider myself to be a moderately successful black woman.. having matriculated from a well respected university and having been able to find a decent job prior to returning for my Masters.. and some other cool stuff..

I have also been successful in building relationships with friends and family and being great in general (mm hm)..

BUT..

I don’t consider myself a full grown woman.. I am a growing up.. I am still figuring out how to make dentist appointments and save money for the future..

I am preparing myself for adulthood & learning about life which also means I am preparing myself for my future husband..

In the past I have moved into “relationships” just because I was lonely or bored or just wanted someone around.. but I realized that I wasn’t finding anything that meant anything.. so I gave up to focus on myself..

Along the way I was able to make friends who can offer more than just a good night time and a couple late night phone calls…

All that to say.. I realized that I was not ready for a relationship and that is why I am single..

Does that have anything with being a successful black woman!? No.. thats all about being self-aware and honest..

So.. relationship “experts” can bite me.. why don’t they discuss something else..

Other things I don’t want to hear anymore about:

Why Successful Black Men Choose White Women — they feel like it
Why Men Cheat — they feel like it

All these grappling relationship issues boil down to what I just said..

Because you felt like it.. so.. do you and love life
xoxo,

m. lauren

Selling Yourself Short

Posted in Are You Serious?!, Boy Bye!, Hold The Phone!!, Oh.. No.., We Dont Settle Round These Here Parts, Wham Bam No Thank You Ma'am, Whitney's Own Hell To The Naw, WITF?! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 02/16/2010 by emellewriter

This morning I had a conversation with a good friend of mine who came to an epiphany about one of the guys she was dealing with… the gist of it was “he doesn’t care about me”… so I told her “well, leave him alone, don’t sell yourself short if he’s not giving an eff!”

Why is it that so many of us allow men to give us only part of what we want and need and just accept it!? This post is for the ladies:

We have heard it time and time again.. “know your worth”.. Grandma knew what the hell she was talkin about! The only way for someone to give you what you want, need and deserve, is for you to know what you want, need and deserve! And if the person who you are trying to get it from is not giving it to you.. they need to scoot!!

There is no reason to allow someone to treat you badly.. that is unless you believe you deserve that treatment.. but c’mon.. what have you done that is so bad that your karmic fortune cookie should read: “you suck, let him walk all over you”? I have noticed that many of us will take whatever we can get from a man because we have low self-esteem and low self-value.. so we allow them to build it up and then what?! They tear it right back down!! The only thing a man should do for your self-esteem is blow your head up a little bit more.. you should know before you even step into a relationship how great you are.. that means he will know right off the bat! Besides.. who wants to have to constantly pick someone up all the time?!

Now.. we don’t always know when we meet a man if he will give us the WND (want, need, deserve).. but there are some clues child!

He likes you for you — if a man tells you he wants you to change ANYTHING about yourself that will not make you a better or healthier person (for instance, stop smoking).. he has GOT TO GO! We want men in our lives that love us for everything that we are.. sure.. he may want you to stop cursing so much.. but if he’s not telling you “baby, I don’t like it when you cuss so much, but I accept that it is who you are” he needs to bounce!! Love means accepting everything about a person from that natural musk to the ugly bowling shoes they wont give to Goodwill.. if you believe a change will increase their well-being.. then speak up.. but don’t expect them to change something just because you want them to.. and you’re going to have to accept that!

He protects you — when a man loves someone, his natural inner-man tells him to protect it! I know you have seen that man go outside and wax on wax off for 3 hours.. he is protecting the living paint out of that car!! When it comes to the woman he cares for.. he will treat her the same.. walking on the outside of the sidewalk, holding her hand on the ice, letting her know the food is hot or simply saying “this doesn’t hurt does it?”.. If he doesn’t care about you.. he will let you go to an abandoned alley on Skid Row at 3am by yourself and not think twice about it!! Men are protectors and they will protect.. so if he doesn’t.. tell him to beat it because he is not worth your time

You are on the same page — if you are telling this man that you want to get married and he is staring at your cleavage the entire time while nodding and “umm-hmming” .. it is time to let that go! Any man who is not on the same page with you is not going to give you what you want! Whatever he says he wants (i.e. casual sex) is what he really wants.. so don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can break that man down and make him your booski!! Have you seen “He’s Just Not That Into You”?.. Until you have proven to be the exception.. you are the rule.. find a man who wants what you want!

He pays attention to you — The last boyfriend I had once told me how my cycle worked, remembered my favorite flowers and repeated things I had told him 2 years prior.. that is paying attention! If a man does not pay attention to small things like your favorite cereal.. or the fact that you HATE coconut.. he won’t pay attention to important things in your life, like the big exam you have coming up or your favorite cousins wedding! If he doesn’t pay attention to you why would you even want him?! You are a human being not a blackberry that buzzes him with reminders and updates.. drop that zero.. be with someone who wants to know and remember everything about you

These are just  few clues that you should look for when dating someone.. the most important piece of advice I can give when it comes to getting the WND: take your time!! You won’t know if you are going to get a man who is worth your time, love and lovin if you don’t take the time to get to know him.. we allow ourselves to jump into relationships and give up so much of ourselves then we are stuck with bozos who don’t know how to act!!

Lastly.. ask yourself if you are able and willing to give him the WND.. if you are not.. then you are selling both of you short.. This was aimed at the ladies but fellas.. I know that there are some chumpettes out there!!

Tell me.. what other ways do you find out if you getting your moneys worth or if you are selling yourself short!?

||This reminds me of Melanie Fiona’s “It Kills Me”.. let me just say GIRL BYE! If someone is treating you that bad.. the killing should probably not be focused on you .. j/k no violence.. but seriously?! Silly.. silly girl||

If The Head Right…

Posted in Are You Serious?!, Gag Me With A Spoon, If You Like It I Love It, KNOCK IT OUT THE PARK, m. lauren speaks, What Is The Big Deal!? with tags , , , , , , , , , on 02/15/2010 by emellewriter

… Biggie there ery’night.. right?!

The man had a point.. men love head.. why!? I don’t know.. and I don’t want to know honestly.. but if he likes it then you.. should.. love.. it!

When it comes to expressing your love .. sex is the one act that allows both parties to express physically by giving of yourself totally to the other person .. of these acts head is the most unselfish expression

Sex allows for mutual pleasure.. but head is about pleasuring the other party.. your pleasure derives from giving them that pleasure..

Got me!?

If you love someone and want to show them during sex.. then why not give them head?!

It’s Nasty — The body in and of itself is pretty gross.. all kinds of germs stick to our bodies.. but that didn’t stop you from kissing up and down his chest did it!? Well.. incorporate a shower into the foreplay one time and just go for it.. it should be fresh as a daisy!

I’ll Gag — I’ve heard that the gagging sound turns some men on.. he’ll think that you are trying to achieve a deep throat and your gagging makes him believe that he is large and in charge.. you can practice suppressing your gag reflex on your own (take the advice of Phoebe (NSFW)).. or you purchase a suppressing agent like Good Head.. if you start to gag.. just pull away and start from the top (where the nerves are bundled anyway)

I Don’t Know How — How did you learn to ride a bike?! You sat down on the seat and started peddling with your training wheels.. right!? Same concept.. training wheels = “baby I’ve never done this before”.. If you tell him that you aren’t experienced.. I am sure that he will be more than willing to give you a lesson in fellatio! So.. go down there.. and listen to what he has to say..

I Don’t Want To Do It Wrong — So.. its been a couple tries and you’re still nervous?! Put a pillow over his face so he can’t look at you even though he’s gonna take a peek or two or dip under the covers so you don’t feel watched.. that should ease some of the tension.. If you’re worried about technique.. do like the rest of us and learn by example.. pop in a flick and take notes!! And of course.. every man is different.. ask him what he likes and doesn’t like.. after all.. you are doing this to please him..

Spit or Swallow? — I think this all depends on the reason you’re giving oral sex in the first place.. if it is foreplay.. then you don’t necessarily have to go that far.. that is the point of foreplay.. to get things goin.. not finish them off.. If this a stand in for intercourse.. then.. yes.. you should let him get all the way off.. if you are uncomfortable with having him ejaculate in your mouth then ask him to tell you when (until you can learn that for yourself) and help him finish in some other manner.. or spit or swallow

One thing I have come to understand about relationships is that they require a certain amount of sacrifice.. Giving unto one what you would not necessarily like to give.. relationships are not designed for Party A to make Party A happy.. that is selfishness.. that is being single..

In relationships we have to be aware of the things our S.O.s want and need and act accordingly.. So many of us are lying to ourselves that sex does not matter.. when in fact it is a form of communication between the two that cannot be shared with anyone else.. it is important to ensure that each party pleases the other in all ways..

I hear too often that men/women are so complicated.. when all we have to do pay a bit of attention.. speak up.. and google some stuff when need be!

||I was inspired to write this post after reading from one of my favorite blogs: Single Black Male.. I was also able to gather some great info on another site that I love AskMen.com..||

You Knew It Was Comin…

Posted in If You Like It I Love It, KNOCK IT OUT THE PARK, m. lauren speaks, m.l. shrug, The Way I See It, What Is The Big Deal!? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 02/14/2010 by emellewriter

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY..

Yes.. I had to do a Valentines post.. this is a RELATIONSHIP blog after all!!

So.. let me keep it short and sweet for you mofos that got ish to do w/ your lovers and such..

Some Advice:

To Lovers — Valentines Day is all cute and whatnot because you can do some extra special ish.. your girl is probably buggin you because she thinks that it just has to be celebrated.. Well.. how about this.. do something really nice if you want to.. but don’t be forced into the Hallmark Hoopla just because you have an S.O. do it because you genuinely want to show that you care..

If you are normally a sweet person who does things Vday-esque on a regular basis.. then do something way out there (maybe you live in sunny Cali and can take him/her on a hot air balloon ride!?)

If you are not the type to show your love on regular days.. #slapyourself.. then don’t go overboard.. do something really thoughtful (her favorite flowers instead of roses perhaps is always a winner) then.. do something even sweeter a couple of weeks later.. it will read better..

If you hate Valentines day and your S.O. is a Hallmark Hoochie.. then placate them some.. go to dinner and hold hands.. but explain how you feel about it and come to a compromise..

Lastly.. and most importantly.. if you are in a relationship.. Vday and other lovers holidays are not times to act out of character.. be who you are.. treat your S.O. good on regular days and fellas: I will reiterate what so many have tried to get you to understand.. we know you love us.. but we want you to say it.. we want you to show it and you have to be sincere

To Us Single Folk — Let’s not cue the Beyonce YouTubes.. Valentines Day is not a day to mope around and act all salty because you don’t have a man/woman.. you didn’t have one yesterday.. and you probably won’t have one tomorrow.. so dust off the salt boo! Vday is a visual celebration of love.. so celebrate with those you love.. yourself, family, best friends.. whoever.. but why wallow in sorrow over one day of singledom like you haven’t been single for the past year!? Come on.. that doesn’t make sense.. there is no point in being bitter about it either..

Thank God that you aren’t stuck in that shitty, excuse my English, relationship with that no-good jawn and keep it movin!!

Thank God that you aren’t one of the many people who get abused by their partners everyday of the week and Vday aint no treat for them either!

Thank God that the S.O. who will give you what you want and need is on his/her way! Treat yourself to something nice and special.. but please.. don’t ruin it with your bitter tweets and facebook updates because you can’t handle your singledom like the rest of us!

To You Who Don’t Care — JOIN THE CLUB!!! Let’s go do something fun like.. take shots everytime we see a couple arguing today.. or throw popcorn in that movie “Valentines Day”.. or lay around and watch DVR’d Blackbuster flicks (oh.. that’s just me!?)

No matter what state of Vday-ness you are in.. it’s just a day!! Chill the eff out! Oh.. and if you plan on knockin it out the park tonight.. strap up.. especially if you are single and have lowered your standards in hopes of a Wal-Mart teddy bear and a sampler of Whitman’s Chocolates..

Guess who loves you!?

M LAUREN LOVES YOU!!!

Happy Valentines Day!!