Archive for marriage

Reality Check

Posted in Girl Bye.., Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 07/04/2014 by emellewriter

Yesterday, I had made a decision that I was going to go home (I’m currently out of town) and let a certain someone know what time it was. I had made up in my mind what I wanted and how and he was going to have to get with it or keep it moving …

 

And then I read this post by Jewel at her blog: A Perfect Fit

 

reality check

 

So here’s some background … I have known Jewel since I was a young, heartbroken and determined college student. God brought her into my life just as I was healing from a terrible situation and seeking God. She isn’t a perfect person but a woman that loves the Lord and has an open and bright heart. I share this because I want anyone reading to understand that I don’t read her blogs for the sake of reading, but because I know her heart is in the words…

 

So the post that I just read was in short about single women who are dating: knowing our worth and that we are good enough. Please read the entire blog whether you’re single or taken, man or woman. It was enlightening.

 

In it, she talks about many of the same things I have spoken about (on this blog and in other realms) and things that I am currently going through. One particular paragraph really hit home for me:

 

If a guy tells you he’s not looking for anything serious-He’s NOT looking for anything serious. I don’t care how pretty you are, how seductive you are-listen to him. He’s not ready.

 

How many times have I said this myself? A million! I’ve posted it on FB and twitter and said it to my friends but it wasn’t until I read these sentences (in the context of the entire post) that it finally hit me. The exact thing that I had been warning other people about, is the same exact thing I was getting ready to go and do! I wanted to tell a man that has told me more than once that he isn’t ready that he should be ready because I want something from him that he is unwilling or unable to give. Nevermind the fact that I already know that I won’t get it. It’s just the rebel in me wanting to “take a chance.” As I was reading Jewel’s post and reflecting on my own thoughts about this particular man, I heard me telling myself :

 

nene-girl-bye

 

I had to take the largest of chill pills and tell myself: Girl, that man don’t wantchu! (lol, that’s what I said).

 

See, the thing is, I have held on to feelings for this person for quite some time. And, instead of just letting them go, I allowed myself to fall deeper into them by giving away my time and energy which only made things worse. The more time, the more frivolous PDA, the more … whatever that we give each other, the harder it is to distinguish between what’s been said and what’s been shown. Because what I see and what I hear are two different things but I learned a long time ago that men will usually be very verbally clear even if the actions they show you contradict that.

 

We try to be everything we think the man wants. We act cool, not too needy. We act like we’re just “hanging and having fun.” We put on a front not to scare them away. I will tell you this-once you get married all those things you hid will come to light. You tried putting your best foot forward by hiding things but it’ll come out sooner or later. So why not, just be intentional in dating? Forget “just having fun”, women are delicate! We can’t play “the game” like men. God created us to love, and nurture and have hearts. We love strong! And you weren’t designed to do that for every man you meet nor were you created to have your heart broken over and over again. Really no one is.

 

I have come to realize (the hard way) that I’m not a “kick-it girl”. I am a “move into your heart” type of woman. I am not pleased by the causal  nature of  many dating situations. I’m not okay with the “having fun” when in the back of my mind I know I want something more. I have known this for a long time, this is what I did.

 

So I quit dating. I quit selling myself for close to nothing. God had bought me for a price-and I was going to start charging! Every cute guy with a good line was NOT going to be able to “get to know me.” If God created ONE man for ONE woman, then he had to be special.

 

I “quit” dating probably about 2 years ago. In fact, when I told this to one of my good male friends and he asked why – my reply was that I had to be focused on other things like school. His reply was “once you graduate, then what will your excuse be?” At the time I rolled my eyes and explained to him that I wouldn’t find excuses, but when the time was right it would be right. Fast forward and I realize that he was right, however, it wasn’t excuses that I found, just better reasons.

 

I found that dating just wasn’t working for me the way I was going about it. I allowed too many people to have my number, my conversation, my time, my affection … So I stopped. I found the things that were holding me back and figured out what changes needed to be made: choosing celibacy, choosing to be more selective, giving time to people who really and truly care for my best interests and learning patience.

 

And it works. I still meet bozos here and there but it’s easier to weed them out.

 

delete delete delete

 

On the other hand, I have moments like the one I started the post about in the first place. Moments where I want to ignore what I know to be true and right for me and just do what feels good. Moments where I have to sit back and assess where my thoughts are coming from – my heart? my confused mind? the outside world? lust? And that is when God blesses me with things like Jewel’s post. Things that put into perspective all of the choices I have made to shield myself from the shallow and murky world of dating.

 

I know that there are God-loving men out here who are marriage-minded and that there is one made solely for me. And I know that when the time is right, he’ll come around and God will bless our union. And, in the meantime, I have to do ensure that I am making God choices, not Me choices.

 

For today, that meant realizing that no matter what feelings I have for the gentleman I previously spoke of, those feelings would be best left alone for now. He is not ready and truthfully, neither am I. That doesn’t mean that in the future we wouldn’t be right for each other but it certainly doesn’t mean that we will. We could both just as well be being prepared for two other wonderful people and our dealings could even be blocking that. I don’t know, just speculating. However, what I do know is that I can’t push any man to do or be anything I want him to be. That means that no matter how badly I would want to tell this guy that I want to be with him and he needs to get his life, it wouldn’t matter what I said. If he wanted to be with me, he would let it be known.

 

Sometimes we just need a reality check, whether from a friend or a stranger. My reality check stopped me from throwing my heart back into a place where I knew it might not be welcomed. It reminded me to be patient and to be dutiful in my growth as a Woman of God. All that other stuff will eventually come along and moments like these, they pass. I’m just grateful that Jewel saw fit to bring these words from her heart to her blog for women like me who need a little check every once in a while.

 

You can find her post here at A Perfect Fit. 

 

 

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Successful and Single and WHO CARES?!

Posted in Are You Serious?!, Sigh Life, The Way I See It with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 04/23/2010 by emellewriter

Man.. I am SO far gone #NoDrake over these regular people relationship “experts” and “gurus” talking about why successful black women don’t have men..

WHO CARES!? Why is it so concerning to everyone why we’re unmarried and single!?! I mean.. consider this..

“I am happy being single”

Sheesh.. Some of us are happy building up ourselves and becoming excellent women on our own so that we can be excellent wives one day..

And some of us have no desire to be in relationships at all and may plan to be unmarried..

I don’t understand why it is anyone elses concern why we’re single and why there is so much speculation..

Men are intimidated by us.. so what?! People in general are intimidated by success and strength but it doesn’t stop us from having good family and friends.. so.. what you sayin!?

We’re too independent for our own good.. sigh! I’ll be the first to say that I’m not.. but what’s wrong with holding down the fort while you can or have to!? Now.. when a man comes into the picture.. as long as we let him be a man.. whats the problem!?

All I have to say about it is this: blah blah blah..

I consider myself to be a moderately successful black woman.. having matriculated from a well respected university and having been able to find a decent job prior to returning for my Masters.. and some other cool stuff..

I have also been successful in building relationships with friends and family and being great in general (mm hm)..

BUT..

I don’t consider myself a full grown woman.. I am a growing up.. I am still figuring out how to make dentist appointments and save money for the future..

I am preparing myself for adulthood & learning about life which also means I am preparing myself for my future husband..

In the past I have moved into “relationships” just because I was lonely or bored or just wanted someone around.. but I realized that I wasn’t finding anything that meant anything.. so I gave up to focus on myself..

Along the way I was able to make friends who can offer more than just a good night time and a couple late night phone calls…

All that to say.. I realized that I was not ready for a relationship and that is why I am single..

Does that have anything with being a successful black woman!? No.. thats all about being self-aware and honest..

So.. relationship “experts” can bite me.. why don’t they discuss something else..

Other things I don’t want to hear anymore about:

Why Successful Black Men Choose White Women — they feel like it
Why Men Cheat — they feel like it

All these grappling relationship issues boil down to what I just said..

Because you felt like it.. so.. do you and love life
xoxo,

m. lauren

Blogging

Posted in Are You Serious?!, Boy Bye!, CRAZY TALK!!, Fool!, Girl Bye.., I Lol'd On Your Ass!, I'm Just Sayin, IMO, m. lauren speaks, MMM.. Now That's Sexy, Wham Bam No Thank You Ma'am, What Is The Big Deal!?, Whitney's Own Hell To The Naw, Whoo.. Chile! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 12/08/2009 by emellewriter

Bored baby ain't on it neitha!

Looka here readers..

Today.. I am not on it.. Too much is going on for me to put all these thoughts in a logical order.. they are about as jumbled up as 4000 spaghetti noodles.. so.. here are some things I was thinking about..

10 Random “Idontcareifyoucare” Thoughts (and a bonus for being so good).. 

1. Tiger Woods — DAMN SON!! If I had known Tiger had it like that.. I woulda been down in FL KNOCKIN IT OUT THE PARK.. I mean.. he is not so appealing to the eye.. and supposedly has a whack ass d game.. but c’mon.. the sorta-brotha canNOT be cheap (at least I hope to hell not).. these hoes better be gettin some money.. and that wife of his got a settlement to STAY.. whaaaaaat?! Tig.. call me when Elin leaves and you need a ride or die who won’t ring the alarm on your ass.. these groupies are a triiiiiip..

*no, I don’t encourage groupie sex for money.. I ENDORSE IT.. NEXT*

2. Lettin a man be a man — What is it with you women who are always tryna run ish?! Granted.. I understand that you worked “TOO DAMN HARD” to get your 4 PhD’s and buy Tyler Perry’s mansion and wear tight ass suits everyday.. but DAMN SON!! You won’t let your man lay down the law in his house?! Are you reaaaally gonna act like Taraji in that 15 minutes of “Not Easily Broken” that I saw!? First you walk all over him with your fancy degrees and independence.. theeeen you have the nerve to not let the brotha be a man?! Emasculating 101 will not be taught by this woman.. hell I aint never claimed to me nobodies independent anything.. TAKE CARE OF ME DAMMIT

3. 5 Star Bitches — ‘SCUSE?! First off.. what is a 5 star chick?! I am not going to take the time out to listen to that idiotic song.. so I guess I shall neeeever know.. However.. I am pretty sure that it is some kind of i-n-d-e-p.. you get it woman… with a fat ass.. cute face and some other great ‘values’.. I am also pretty positive that most of the women calling themselves 5 stars are not stars at all.. I am sure that being on welfare doesn’t make you a 5 star.. and neither do quick weaves.. umm I just cannot

||edited to say: Star backwards spells Rats.. that is all||

4. Baby Makin Music — I love to get down w/ some slow jams in the background.. and no.. all the songs don’t have to be slow tempoed.. but Juelz Santana?!?!.. GDFOHWDS.. I can’t concentrate on the pleasure if all I hear is “SANTANA.. AYE!”.. stop it fivvvvvve << Cam’ron reference

5. Marriage — what can I say?! The girl wants to get married.. one day.. but I think my reasoning is pretty damn selfish

  • To have constant d – I mean.. as long as he’s on point (which I shall know before hand).. then I would be happy gettin that on the regular.. oooh yeah married people don’t have sex that much do they?! ..
  • To be taken care of financially stable – his two incomes are better than mine one.. he can go to work and be all sexy and suited up.. and I’ll be sexy and shopping.. win/win

6. Drop It Low — I keep joking with people that I want to be a stripper.. I mean.. not for a career.. I just want to strip to see what its like.. why is that so bad?! I can shake my ass.. can’t I?! People look at me like.. what?! Strip for yo man?! NO DUMMY.. STRIP FOR MONEY.. I could see me up on that used-to-be shiny pole.. trying not to trip in my stripper heels.. collecting dirty ones with nutsac sweat covering them off the stage.. STRIPPERS UNITE

7. Say What’s Up Nigga — see.. there are certain times when ‘niggas’ and ‘bitches’ are appropriate terms.. when dealing with ignorance of any kind.. you shall be referred to as such.. I hate it when BITCH ASS NIGGAS (see?! how appropriate) say one thing and act another way.. I also hate when they don’t follow directions.. If i say “be upfront”.. why the hell can’t you just do that?! wtf?! Are you hard at hearing!? Does Frankie have to spell it out for you?! I digress

8. I Bet You Think This Status Is About You — Dear Men.. AINT NOBODY STUTTIN YOU.. why do yall think that every twitter update.. facebook or bbm status is about you?! “I love me some him” is a busted ass SONG LYRIC STUPID.. maybe I been on my Toni B is still alive campaign.. DAMN SON.. ego is too big fa me!

9. Keep your legs shut TIGHT — what happened to virgins?! Besides Angela Simmons.. do they exist!? Now.. I want to know because there are some untainted souls that I would like taint.. inquire about.. Furthermore.. as a woman.. would you ever take a man’s virginity?! Me, myself, personally, IMO << ego >> I just can’t see it.. I mean.. I am all up for teaching him what I like.. but teaching him the game itself!? OHH NOO MY BROTHA!! Think about it.. when a guy is like.. 19.. his stroke game is still pretty whack because he should have been has been recently devirginized (unless some grown hoe sucked him off… No Cash Money).. so when he gets into his mid-20s and up.. he should have a grasp on the up and down-stroke.. so if he is a virgin.. how long will he have to be in tutoring until he can pass the test the first time!? I AINT GOT THAT KINDA TIME

10. Please No 360s — speaking of stroke game.. There is one particular move that my friends and I like to refer to as 360.. yes CIRCLES.. laaaaaawd chile boo! For some reason.. alot of men like to move their hips in a circular motion and thrust on the upstroke (I just made that ish up).. I am sure you know the move.. I would not recommend this move fellas.. it is not for everyone.. it takes a special sized kind of man to keep this type of movement going.. just.. don’t

11. If You Tryna Hit It, Please Put A Ring On It — not literally.. but Single Ladies has been in my head for the past 3 days.. which is torturous for the kid.. now.. gone are the days when m. lauren will ride that pony without a stable to park it in.. does that make sense?! (I was gonna say w/o a saddle but that would be a condom reference right?!.. FCUK.. #metaphorfail).. I am over casual sex.. but these men aren’t.. they wanna knock it out the park as soon as possible with no strings.. NO SIR.. if you are tryna get my panties in a bunch.. then you must be ready to be exclusive.. And no.. we don’t even have to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend.. we can just say.. we’re together.. JUST DON’T BE SADDLIN UP NO OTHER PONIES (okay.. that one worked right?)

|| Please Note — these points are made in jest with some truth to them.. I am just a silly girl in a too serious world.. laugh at your own leisure ||

Not For Free!

Posted in Are You Serious?!, CRAZY TALK!!, Fool!, Hold The Phone!!, I Don't Get Down Like That, I'm Just Sayin, IMO, Intimate Does Not Equal Sex, Let Me Explain, m. lauren speaks, Say What Now?!, The Way I See It with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 09/22/2009 by emellewriter

By saying “Don’t give up the kitty for free” I am not telling you to prostitute yourself.. I am just telling you not to give up the goods for nothing!

What we as women hold between our legs is a treasure.. we give life through our vaginas.. HELLO!??!

We need to realize that our lady parts are not toys or bargaining tools.. they are, just as I said, treasure.. they are highly sought after and should be held to the highest of standards..

That being said.. don’t just give it up to 1. just anybody for 2. any old reason..

Your “treasure box” is special.. and only you hold power over it.. however, we have been allowing men access to these magnificent treasures like they are Happy Meal toys.. NO NO!

A man needs to earn that.. he should be giving you time.. respect.. patience.. trust and getting to know you before you go rewarding him with the p..

You should be gauging whether he is worth all of you.. and all of your time before you go spreading your legs.. if all he is good for is a cheap dinner at Red Lobster.. he is not good enough for your lovin shit, maybe he is.. no judgement

Giving it up for nothin is letting a man hit on day one.. giving it to him after a dollar show and a value meal.. make him wait.. make him earn it!

What usually happens when you give it up too soon?! a. he’s no longer interested or b. he is only interested in the sex after that .. what is it that you believe he is chasing!?

Your sensitivity?! Your intellect!? Come on now.. he is chasin that ass! And the joy of the hunt is.. THE HUNT!

If a lion comes along and a gazelle just lays the hell down.. the lion is probably going to be a bit peeved.. he’ll still eat the gazelle.. but his thirst for the hunt won’t be quenched.. he’ll move on to a gazelle that is willing to be chased.. (this is why you’re the jump-off and she’s the gf sweetie)..

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Put A Title On It

Posted in IMO, Let Me Explain, m. lauren speaks, The Way I See It with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 09/19/2009 by emellewriter

I was reading one of my favorite blogs, Necole Bitchie.. she had a post on there about putting a “title on your relationship”..

Basically she asked the question: will putting a title on it ruin your relationship?!

Great question.. my thoughts first:

A relationship should be defined by the two people in it.. just because your best friend calls the man in her life her boyfriend, doesn’t mean that you have to! I have always put a title on my past relationships, usually because the man involved asked me to (i.e., will you be my girlfriend?) ..

But at this point, I believe that the defining should be focused on what you are willing to do for and with each other, rather than what you should call each other.. in “traditional” terms, a man and woman in a monogamous relationship who are committed to each other would be titled something like “boyfriend/girlfriend” or.. going together if you’re in 8th grade!

Even though I am not seeing anybody at present, I plan to allow my next venture into .. whatever the opposite of singledom is be defined in whatever terms we decide..

Read Necole’s take on things:

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Mrs. Johnson – … say what!?

Posted in Are You Serious?!, Fool!, Girl Bye.., I'm Just Sayin, IMO, Let Me Explain, m. lauren speaks, The Way I See It with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 09/19/2009 by emellewriter

I was just reading an article on The Fresh Xpress about women hyphenating their names.. and I wondered.. how do I feel about it?!

Im in the middle..

I believe myself to be sort of old-fashioned.. I have often said that I would have absolutely no problem being called “Mrs. James Wright” .. I have always thought there was something endearing about taking on your husbands full name.. I don’t see what the big deal is?!

The way I see it, when you get married, you become one.. and since the man is the head of the household.. I should have no problem being Mrs. J.W. or whatever.. because that is who I am.. we are one.. when a woman is given away by her father (or leaves her parents).. he gives her to her soon to be husband (they cleave).. The last name that I (and many others) hold is my father’s.. so when I leave him and cleave to my hubby.. I have no reason to keep my father’s last name.. I am no longer his.. I am my husbands..

I understand that whole successful/independent thing.. we as women want to have our own things in our own rights.. and as a woman.. I am all for it (hell I live it, somewhat).. but what does that have to do with taking your husbands last name!? If I am m. lauren Armstrong.. and I get married.. and become m. lauren Wright.. my work should be able to stand on its own.. a new last name won’t change, hinder or mar my success.. I’m tight anyway so..

I believe that getting married means that you give your all to your husband and he gives his all to you.. in the grand scheme of things in marriage.. how important is it to argue about taking his name?! Let him be a man and head the household.. take his damn name.. don’t be so “independent” that you can’t allow him to be the man of the house..

That.. is another post in and of itself..

So.. these are my opinions.. leave yours in the comments..

xoxo,

m. lauren Regular SBF

*note – James Wright is a person I made up.. I don’t even know a person by that name*

Bros Before Hoes

Posted in I Don't Get Down Like That, IMO, Let Me Explain, m. lauren speaks, The Way I See It with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 09/18/2009 by emellewriter


If you’d rather hang out with your friends.. than be with your S.O… there is a SIGNIFICANT problem..

I love my girlfriends to death.. I would do anything for them.. but I will NOT put them before my man.. let me explain this:

If there is a situation that needs my immediate attention.. whoever needs it will get it.. Im not gonna tell my girl that I can’t drive her broken legged ass to the E.R. because Im in cuddle mode.. Im not a complete jerk!

I won’t leave my girls at the beck and call of my man either, been there and done that and ain’t doin it again..

But “hoes” will come first in most situations..

Think about it like this:

I have either close friends or associates.. the friends I have are those “I know everything about you” type of friends.. most of these are friends that I have had for a long time.. I am no longer building relationships with these people, I am maintaining them..

On the other hand, there is mynon-existent man.. this is probably a relationship I am building, still in the “getting to know you”/”honeymoon” phase.. a new relationship that needs attention to grow.. that means, spending a lot of time together..

If we are in the beginning stages, this new relationship will get more of my attention than my friends will because we already have a bond.. When the relationship starts to lose it’s “new” flavor and we’re in the maintaining phase, then my focus will shift some..

Just because I won’t give my friends 100% of my “friend focus” with a new man, doesn’t mean they won’t get any.. it just means that they will get less of it..

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