The Virtual Love Connection

I have heard this so many times: “Facebook is not EHarmony!” Well neither is the grocery store, church or the sleazy club that doesn’t sell a decent martini.. none of these places were formed so that people could meet possible S.O.s.. it just happened that way!

Any place that gets members of the opposite sex together is automatically a haven for match making.. yes that means the gas station, work and the restaurant with the good margaritas and the cute waiter..

If a public real-live place can be a cove of love connections, why can’t a social-networking site?! I’ve always thought of facebook like sitting in a classroom on the first day, a bunch of people who you don’t know can meet and get to know each other, except they are sitting in front of a computer rather than in front of you blocking your view of the chalkboard

Make the love connection:

1. You have direct connections to your peers – When I first got on facebook.. it was strictly for college students.. all the people who I befriended were people who I would eventually see on the Oval or at Catfish Biffs (OSU spots).. but being that I went to the largest school in the country.. it was impossible to get to know even half of these people.. facebook broke the ice for me and so many people.. there were automatic conversation starters online (oh, do you still live in the Towers?) and in person (hey, aren’t you my facebook friend?).. it was kind of like being at a networking event & seeing someone who you thought was cute..

2. Takes the pressure of face to face off – The first time I met someone in real life off of facebook, I already knew things about them because we’d messaged, exchanged im’s and eventually phone numbers.. meeting them offline was just a prereq to see if they were really cute, if they could hold their own in person and if they were as interesting as they appeared.. Once they came to the dorm.. or Marketplace or wherever we planned to meet.. the conversation flowed easily because we already had kind of met..

3. The ice is broken – I already mentioned this.. but I think it deserves its own point.. when you are a part of a social networking site, you are open to meeting all types of characters.. Plus your pictures and other information are posted.. so being found in a public place isn’t all that strange.. I have met so many people who I follow or they follow me on twitter.. or they are friends of mine of facebook.. it breaks the ice because it feels like you know this person in passing are just getting the opportunity to speak with them.. Plus you can talk about how crazy it is that you met them in real life and about how your kids are going to hell in a hand basket because they won’t have interpersonal skills

4. Ability to multi-task – multi-tasking in relationships is frowned down upon.. this is also known as cheating.. but when you are not in a relationship.. you are free to multi-task (date) as much as you want.. bein a part of a social network opens you up to meeting a bajillion people.. thus having the ability to date any one of them in real life who want to date you.. Now.. multi-tasking in the literal sense is also easy to do during social networking.. you can aim with your girlfriend, write a paper, talk on the phone, twitter your basketball buddies.. blah blah you get it.. the internet gives you the ability to negate undivided attention and spread it out without anyone being the wiser

5. Once you meet, you can tweet – The past.. oh I don’t know? 5 guys I met have asked me.. “do you have facebook or something?”.. When I meet people.. it’s dark or brief or something not conducive for getting to know you banter or seeing clearly.. so hopping on facebook after a couple of texts or a phone call will remind you what they looked like and give you some insight into what types of things they like.. and how stupid they may be (status messages).. everything from favorite movies to thier take on the war may appear on facebook.. you now have a *bonus mode of communication and informational gathering

I have to say.. I don’t have a problem with meeting people on social networking sites.. it happens.. there are only two types of people who I have a problem doing this

1. People who get on sites specifically to meet people .. it’s not a site for dating, it’s a site for networking.. love connections happen by chance

2. Creepy McCreepsters who get on sites like Myspace to meet young girls with ‘sexi pics’.. they should be on To Catch A Predator

Facebook, twitter, etc. are great places to make connections with people who you have a lot in common with.. sometimes love connections can be made.. be open to them.. Love does not have a time or meeting place assigned to it..

Get your eharm on..

m. lauren

||venting||

How much sense does this make?

I don’t want to think about something too much because if it doesn’t work out, I would’ve put too much mental and emotional effort into it..

But I don’t have a very positive outlook on things.. So I feel kind of safe thinking about something that I think probably won’t happen..

But I realize at the same time that I am nervous about the unknown and if things did work out in my favor then I had no reason to worry..

And at the same time I don’t want to put all of my eggs (thoughts) into one basket (situation)..

Perhaps the best solution would be for me to find a hobby or something to take some of this idle time.. Problem is..

Most of these thoughts occur while I’m in bed.. I can’t find that many hobbies!!!

The past couple days have been.. Different.. In a good way.. But have aroused some feelings.. Feelings I didn’t know existed.. The way I feel is different.. I keep trying to keep myself from saying that.. B/c I don’t halfway believe it.. But also because I don’t want to admit it..

This is new.. And I feel like I’m working on jeopardizing a good thing because of my fear.. I said I would take things a moment at a time.. But its hard.. I’m trying..

I’m going to keep trying.. Because I don’t want to not take a risk that could’ve paid off..

Two cheers for risk-taking…

luv music // Russian Roulette

Today I watched the video for Russian Roulette.. While dark and questionable.. I found it to be easy to conceptualize.. But this isn’t a video review.. I am just going to speak on the song..

The first time I heard the song.. I thought WOW.. I was honestly blown away.. The song really is not that wonderful.. But I was amazed nonetheless..

Many people have criticized Rihanna for singing the song (written by Ne-Yo) for its dark content and intent.. And while I understand a 14 year old may take “just pull the trigger” literally.. I tried to grasp the concept of the song..

I would like to believe this song is (obviously) about risk taking.. The game of russian roulette is a based around risking your life and being unsure.. Its focus is clearly on fear..

This reminds me a bit of love.. In a warped non-fairy tale way..

In the song, the guy tells her to go ahead and do it.. Don’t worry, just breathe.. It’ll be okay.. He’s clearly done this before.. And I thought.. This sounds like a man speaking to a woman with baggage.. Trying to assure her that by taking the risk of loving him that things would be okay.. But her fear is that.. This time.. Love would fail again and kill her (spirit?)..

I never thought the song was about playing a real game of russian roulette or suicide.. Of course not.. Not one songwriter is that obvious..

I concluded that this song was about love.. Love can be a risky and dangerous game.. There is much uncertainty which gives into fear.. Causing us to contemplate the risk we are taking.. We don’t want to dive in head first.. We need time to think and decide.. Because.. people can fail us.. in the game.. we may end up with the bullet..

I honestly found the song to be beautiful in a dark and somber way.. Using my interpretation.. Him asking her to take a chance that may fail.. And her contemplating it..

But I know that I am not like other people.. I think deep.. Sometimes too. Deep..

The other interpretation I came up with was sex.. But duh.. Leave that for someone else to explain..

Carpe The Moment

Pink Sherbert Photography

Love is scary.. Before love is scarier.. The point when you begin to date again after a string of failed relationships and meet a person who could possibly renew your energy & hope for like.. And later love.. That is absolutely and remarkably terrifying.. Yet.. Intriguing, exciting and sobering..

In these moments.. Moments of pure bliss from the (figurative) hands of another person.. In these moments we begin to doubt.. We question the purity and simplicity of the sparkling chemistry.. We dig too deep to understand the rate of speed our liking is traveling.. We search for any modicum of negativity that proves that these flutters in our stomach are nothing more than the leftover moths of loves past..

We believe that this.. Thing.. We’ve come across is “too good to be true”.. The magnetism is a sign of trouble rather than a sign to forge ahead, even if carefully so.. We read into every questionable action but disregard the simple cues that he really is “into” us.. We focus on the minute nicks in the new possible union that would surely shred this thing into unrecognizable pieces.. We take the time to wonder.. Why? Why am I so deserving of something like this.. So simple, easy.. carefree even?

In these moments of doubt.. We must remind ourselves that no thing is guaranteed.. But even so, we must discover all that life and love have to offer..

Last night.. I decided to seize the moments.. Allow each second of time to exist on its own accord knowing that I could not predict the future or change the past.. Knowing that so far.. So good.. Everything I have seen has led me to believe that forging ahead.. carefully and as carefree as possible will not be a one-way deal.. I have picked apart everything that I possibly could up until this point.. But logic made no sense in his presence..

Only emotions were allowed.. Emotions whether good or bad.. Allow us to open ourselves up to living boldly.. Logic forces us to “think it through”.. Today I said the hell with logic.. I decided to allow myself to live in the moment as long as I can..

If the moment only lasts a day.. I will have to be okay with that.. And if somehow.. The moment lasts longer.. I pray I’ll be blessed to revel in it.. Somewhere in those moments I will find happiness and laughter.. Perhaps I will find love.. But only time could tell you that.. Above all.. I hope to release negative thinking from my being and understand what it means to “carpe diem”..

I cannot deny that a strong force exists that draws us to each other.. So I won’t try.. I will just allow myself to live inside each moment totally.. I won’t focus on what may go wrong.. And I won’t worry about what may become of this.. I will only focus on the here and now..

I make this promise to myself and this mysterious creation of man.. To seek each moment in and of itself for as long as I am allowed and revel in it for as long as I possibly can..

Xoxo,

m. lauren..
carpe the moment

Let’s Take Our Time

Being single, I meet a few guys now and then.. I chat with them a bit and sometimes hang out once or twice.. But rarely do I find one that I really like and plan to devote time and energy to.. Case in point, I met a guy in the summer time.. Cute guy.. Phone convos.. Keep in touch with him but have never seen him in person since we met.. He’s nice enough but nothing is popping off there..

.. I am sitting at home and I don’t have anything to do really.. My attention is focused every which-a-where.. My man attention is focused on nothing at all.. So of course when I meet someone that I have even a mild attraction to, it would be easy for me to focus all of my man attention towards him.. There is an issue with this though:

I don’t know him that well — the problem here is giving too much too soon.. In the beginning when you are still feeling each other out, going on dates and all giggly, it is easy to quickly give all your attention to someone.. Before you know anything about them..

Important things like, how he resolves issues or how he manages his feelings aren’t usually discovered in those first moments.. They occur with time..

Its all about moving slow..

I’ve found that one of the best ways to move slow is to have something/one else to focus your attention on..

Why date one guy at a time?! Dating is like basketball try-outs.. How will I (the coach) know if the players are any good if they’re playing one-on-none?! They need to have some competition in order for me to see how well they would fit on my team…

Dating is all about being open and seeing what’s out there.. Not about jumping into relationships – which is what generally happens when there is too much focus on one person too soon..

The other day I talked about mistaking lust and infatuation for love.. The same can occur with like..

Sometimes it’s only fascination and intrigue.. But it’s mistaken for like for so many reasons

1. Time — spending large amounts of time with one person will either push you together or rip you apart.. When it’s with a new person, it is tempting to jump into spending mass amounts of time with them.. Instead of moving slowly and figuring them out, you’re moving full steam ahead with minimal knowledge and experience

2. They like you — a lot of times, a person will confess their undying adoration for you before you are ready for it.. So you dive in head first in order to reciprocate their feelings.. Without thinking critically about what’s going on.. you make up for what you lack in feelings by rushing and forcing yourself to like them

3. “It seems like” — everything seems honky-dory.. He’s the type you want in life and you create a fantasy behind this image.. Youre blinded by a rosy picture of green meadows and skipping while holding hands.. The problem is, you like the idea more than the actual person.. don’t focus on what you perceive or hope this to be.. focus on taking your time to discover what it could be later on

Liking someone for who they are comes only with time.. it takes more than 2 weeks to figure out that Johnny is really a rude ass who puts up a good front.. Rushing in creates problems that are harder to resolve because you’ve given life, energy and time to something..

Take your time getting to know a person, meet other people, do things that don’t have anything to do with dating and have fun..

There seems to be pressure on so many of us to enter relationships, but screw that notion, only get into one if its what you want in your life.. Not what someone else wants..

There is nothing to be gained by settling

Xoxo,

m. lauren
Regular SBF

A Few Chances

The other night, I was out with a new friend.. and he said “I believe you only get a couple of chances at love in a lifetime”.. wow

And I wondered.. is that true?!

I believe in the possibility of soul mates.. that there is one person who is created just for you to love and be loved by, and be with for as long as allowed.. but I don’t believe that you can only love that person..

It is in our nature to love others, we were created with emotions that dictate feelings of affection towards other people, some that are deeper than others.. it makes absolute sense that we could love or be in love with someone other than the intended soul mate..

True Love is an art form.. I learned this courtesy of Jesus.. it is unconditional.. it sounds so easy.. but it’s not.. true love means that you love someone NO MATTER what they ever have done or will ever do to or for you.. this love is not based on the person, but on love.. straight from the heart..

I imagine myself to have loved and been in love a time or 3.. until I discovered what true love is.. and then realized that I was infatuated, in lust, or plain crazy.. I may have been head over heels but I was not in love.. howeverI know deep down inside that I will meet my soul mate and truly be in love with him..

So there must be some kind of “accidental love forgiveness”.. there is no way that we could love more than one person if those deep feelings of whatever you believed to have been love weren’t able to be washed away..

I believe you’ll love a person forever, but God allows your heart, mind and soul to heal up enough to regain most of what you’d given away mistakenly so that you could give it to the person that it was meant for..

There is of course the factor that you may not have loved in the first place.. you would have still given away much of yourself to a person with the belief of love.. and again, that would need to be replenished..

So.. maybe we are allowed to replenish a couple of times..

Or a possibility that makes even more sense, we don’t truly love someone until we are with the one meant for us.. and all that other stuff is a case of mistaken love identity.. and practice..

The fact still remains that whether it is love, lust or infatuation.. you are still giving away pieces of yourself to someone who may not be deserving of it.. and I am not just talking sexually.. I am talking about mentally, spiritually, physically and financially..

To me, it is more important to discern whether or not you should be giving anything to the person you are with.. figuring out if this is the one, soul mate, future husband, etc. or if they will just be another notch in your love belt..

That is the hardest part.. because one may never know until it’s over.. my only advice is caution..

And to my new friend.. I must say 1. thank you for giving me something to think about deeper than what appetizer to order and 2. maybe you are right.. and even if you are not.. here’s to finding out..

Cheers,

m. lauren

Regular SBF

But, does he make you happy?

Girl: “Gramma, I have a new boyfriend, he is gorgeous, sweet, funny and very intelligent”
Gramma: “Great baby, but does he make you happy?”

This is a phrase that is usually spoken by the women who love us when a new man enters our lives.. Why?

We have lists (whether written or in the mind) of what we require and want from men, these lists usually consist of qualities such as: intelligent, funny, goal-oriented, attractive, good in bed* or wealthy..

Many of us are blessed enough to meet a man who possesses many of the qualities we are fond of.. He meets our lists.. But does he meet the heart?!

The problem with the list os that we bulletpoint qualities that are ideal, negating the fact the ideal qualities do not guarantee love and happiness..

He’s everything that you’d want in a man, but he needs to be that for you.. Shemar Moore possesses some of the qualities I’d want.. But its probable that I’d be miserable…

Point is, be open.. Every fine, bed-rocking Einstein is not the man you need to be with.. If he’s okay looking, bed rocking and averaged B-‘s AND he makes you feel like a mouth full of pop rocks (ridiculously happy).. Then be happy..

Don’t ever trade happiness for “sounds good”..

Straight from America’s Mama Michelle Obama: “Cute’s good, but cute only lasts for so long.” “You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you completely happy and make you feel whole.”

xoxo,

m. lauren, regular sbf

Luv Music // R&B For Me, Please

I swear I belong in the 90s.. I should have been this age in the 90s.. I am telling you..

I was taking a trip down memory lane via Youtube.. re-discovering some of the best music to ever be released.. Female 90s R&B.. Mary J Blige, Changing Faces, Mokenstef, Jade, Xscape, En Vogue, Zhane, TLC, Toni Braxton, Brandy, Faith Evans, Aaliyah, Whitney Houston, Total, 702, Monica.. boy the list goes on and on..

These are songs that I heard when I was 10.. that I barely understood.. and now that Im an adult and have entered the realm of real life and jacked up relationships.. this music resonates clear as a mf’n bell.. Forget some “I love my boo”.. this was some “Negro you better come correct or get gone”.. Unrequited love and heartache.. music that made you cry and get over some lowlife you never should have met in the first place..

And when they sang about sex.. well it was making love.. not fkin.. did they even curse in their music?!

All this new music can do is make you wish that you were gettin some ass in a Escalade on dubs.. with a rose gold chain wrapped around your torso.. girl bye! Now all we have to rely on during sleepless nights is neo-soul..

I, m. lauren, present you with some downhome.. do me right or gdfo straight up 90s R&mf’nB:

Mary J. Blige – Not Gon Cry.. Possibly one of the most soulful women to ever exist.. Mary could sing the alphabet and have you in tears wishing “G” wasn’t such a damn fool

Total – Sitting Home.. Ed Lover boy bye!

get you some

Guest Commentary // Black Gays Here To Stay

I believe myself to be an open-minded and tolerant individual.. I would like to think that of all the traits God could’ve passed down through His holy DNA to me.. loving and compassionate would be the two that He gave me the most of.. I can get along with absolutely any person (if I need to).. and I try not to judge others until I have a reason to .. it is a wonder to me then, that there are so many people in the world unlike myself..

I cannot understand how so much hatred could live inside people.. people hate other PEOPLE for being a certain race, sexuality, sex, even having a certain accent.. RIDICULOUS!! What reason is there to hate a person.. a person who you dont even know!? Beats me..

If there is one thing I’ve learned in all my 22 years of life.. it is that love knows no bounds.. and it is better to love .. hate takes too much energy.. put a smile on your face honey child!

Now.. that being said.. a good friend of mine asked me if he could post a guest blog on And Looking?.. And I want to hear whatever you have to say.. so come with it..

Anywho.. Aaron Thomas.. my beautiful, huge-hearted and passionate friend told me that he wanted to let all ya’ll know something:

Black Gays been here and ain’t going NO WHERE!! .. so get used to it and get over your hate..

The following is a blog written by Aaron “my soulmate in the head” Thomas:

Yesterday, an email was circulated around my family with the subject line that read “fwd: Groom-Groom Wedding”. As the notification appeared on my screen, my heart fell into my stomach. Not because of what the images were, but the sideline comments that were guaranteed to follow. Sure enough, my inbox was flooded with a stream of hateful, devilishly ignorant opinions of two Black men who committed no crime other than holding a ceremony in honor of the bond, relationship and love that exists between them. Instead of arguing back and forth, I took the path that many Black gays and lesbians chose…I remained silent.

Today is October first which marks the beginning of the national month long celebration of the role that LGBT (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender) individuals have played in modern American society. While many only see/accept the white male faces of the LGBT movement, the community is broad, diverse and as far reaching as the day is long and the winter is cold.

It is estimated that 1 in 10 individuals across the board are Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual…which means that 1 in 10 people in the Black community are Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual…but you would never know or rather, refuse to acknowledge.

As many people who are Black AND LGBT have been bred to understand, being accepted into the the Black community with open arms and an acceptable degree of humanistic compassion is like passing a kidney stone through your nipple, its damn near impossible. But the question is why?

Why are your brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins relegated to a life of invisible existence, cold stares, tough talk and luke-warm embraces?

I Sooo Computer Love You

I have a million ways to reach you. I can text you, I can bbm you, I can email and I can twitter stalk you. I can see your face whenever I feel like it, thanks to facebook and if I want to hear your voice, I can watch you on ustream. I can think of 1001 ways to find you, but nothing beats seeing you face to face. Sometimes it’s not enough to understand the inner workings of your mind via your blog.

It’s not enough to see you looking good on flickr. Every once in a while a girl needs to communicate face to face. I’ve got to see the way your eyebrows raise when you laugh; I need to smell your Issey Miyake when you brush past me. Feeling your hands on my skin and you whispering in my ear has nothing on hours of gchat. I love being able to hear the ping of my Blackberry when you mms me silly pictures, but why don’t you come over instead? Seeing you in the flesh means more than any pictures we could ever put in a digital frame.

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