Archive for dating

Reality Check

Posted in Girl Bye.., Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 07/04/2014 by emellewriter

Yesterday, I had made a decision that I was going to go home (I’m currently out of town) and let a certain someone know what time it was. I had made up in my mind what I wanted and how and he was going to have to get with it or keep it moving …

 

And then I read this post by Jewel at her blog: A Perfect Fit

 

reality check

 

So here’s some background … I have known Jewel since I was a young, heartbroken and determined college student. God brought her into my life just as I was healing from a terrible situation and seeking God. She isn’t a perfect person but a woman that loves the Lord and has an open and bright heart. I share this because I want anyone reading to understand that I don’t read her blogs for the sake of reading, but because I know her heart is in the words…

 

So the post that I just read was in short about single women who are dating: knowing our worth and that we are good enough. Please read the entire blog whether you’re single or taken, man or woman. It was enlightening.

 

In it, she talks about many of the same things I have spoken about (on this blog and in other realms) and things that I am currently going through. One particular paragraph really hit home for me:

 

If a guy tells you he’s not looking for anything serious-He’s NOT looking for anything serious. I don’t care how pretty you are, how seductive you are-listen to him. He’s not ready.

 

How many times have I said this myself? A million! I’ve posted it on FB and twitter and said it to my friends but it wasn’t until I read these sentences (in the context of the entire post) that it finally hit me. The exact thing that I had been warning other people about, is the same exact thing I was getting ready to go and do! I wanted to tell a man that has told me more than once that he isn’t ready that he should be ready because I want something from him that he is unwilling or unable to give. Nevermind the fact that I already know that I won’t get it. It’s just the rebel in me wanting to “take a chance.” As I was reading Jewel’s post and reflecting on my own thoughts about this particular man, I heard me telling myself :

 

nene-girl-bye

 

I had to take the largest of chill pills and tell myself: Girl, that man don’t wantchu! (lol, that’s what I said).

 

See, the thing is, I have held on to feelings for this person for quite some time. And, instead of just letting them go, I allowed myself to fall deeper into them by giving away my time and energy which only made things worse. The more time, the more frivolous PDA, the more … whatever that we give each other, the harder it is to distinguish between what’s been said and what’s been shown. Because what I see and what I hear are two different things but I learned a long time ago that men will usually be very verbally clear even if the actions they show you contradict that.

 

We try to be everything we think the man wants. We act cool, not too needy. We act like we’re just “hanging and having fun.” We put on a front not to scare them away. I will tell you this-once you get married all those things you hid will come to light. You tried putting your best foot forward by hiding things but it’ll come out sooner or later. So why not, just be intentional in dating? Forget “just having fun”, women are delicate! We can’t play “the game” like men. God created us to love, and nurture and have hearts. We love strong! And you weren’t designed to do that for every man you meet nor were you created to have your heart broken over and over again. Really no one is.

 

I have come to realize (the hard way) that I’m not a “kick-it girl”. I am a “move into your heart” type of woman. I am not pleased by the causal  nature of  many dating situations. I’m not okay with the “having fun” when in the back of my mind I know I want something more. I have known this for a long time, this is what I did.

 

So I quit dating. I quit selling myself for close to nothing. God had bought me for a price-and I was going to start charging! Every cute guy with a good line was NOT going to be able to “get to know me.” If God created ONE man for ONE woman, then he had to be special.

 

I “quit” dating probably about 2 years ago. In fact, when I told this to one of my good male friends and he asked why – my reply was that I had to be focused on other things like school. His reply was “once you graduate, then what will your excuse be?” At the time I rolled my eyes and explained to him that I wouldn’t find excuses, but when the time was right it would be right. Fast forward and I realize that he was right, however, it wasn’t excuses that I found, just better reasons.

 

I found that dating just wasn’t working for me the way I was going about it. I allowed too many people to have my number, my conversation, my time, my affection … So I stopped. I found the things that were holding me back and figured out what changes needed to be made: choosing celibacy, choosing to be more selective, giving time to people who really and truly care for my best interests and learning patience.

 

And it works. I still meet bozos here and there but it’s easier to weed them out.

 

delete delete delete

 

On the other hand, I have moments like the one I started the post about in the first place. Moments where I want to ignore what I know to be true and right for me and just do what feels good. Moments where I have to sit back and assess where my thoughts are coming from – my heart? my confused mind? the outside world? lust? And that is when God blesses me with things like Jewel’s post. Things that put into perspective all of the choices I have made to shield myself from the shallow and murky world of dating.

 

I know that there are God-loving men out here who are marriage-minded and that there is one made solely for me. And I know that when the time is right, he’ll come around and God will bless our union. And, in the meantime, I have to do ensure that I am making God choices, not Me choices.

 

For today, that meant realizing that no matter what feelings I have for the gentleman I previously spoke of, those feelings would be best left alone for now. He is not ready and truthfully, neither am I. That doesn’t mean that in the future we wouldn’t be right for each other but it certainly doesn’t mean that we will. We could both just as well be being prepared for two other wonderful people and our dealings could even be blocking that. I don’t know, just speculating. However, what I do know is that I can’t push any man to do or be anything I want him to be. That means that no matter how badly I would want to tell this guy that I want to be with him and he needs to get his life, it wouldn’t matter what I said. If he wanted to be with me, he would let it be known.

 

Sometimes we just need a reality check, whether from a friend or a stranger. My reality check stopped me from throwing my heart back into a place where I knew it might not be welcomed. It reminded me to be patient and to be dutiful in my growth as a Woman of God. All that other stuff will eventually come along and moments like these, they pass. I’m just grateful that Jewel saw fit to bring these words from her heart to her blog for women like me who need a little check every once in a while.

 

You can find her post here at A Perfect Fit. 

 

 

STOP TEXTING ME FOOL

Posted in Hold The Phone!!, I CANNOT, Sigh Life, Wham Bam No Thank You Ma'am with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 11/22/2010 by emellewriter

I had to take a little time out of my busy schedule of thinking about doing homework and pretending to work to address a very serious epidemic…

new-fangled-technological dating

let me preface this post with a huge sigh…

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH

Let me just list all the reasons technology is ruining dating as I have grown to know it!

1. It turns regular people into sappy stalkers —
“So uhh.. you got facebook/twitter/wordpress/pornhub!?” WHY!? So that you can social network me to death before you even learn my last name and favorite cereal!? Why.. why.. WHY does a person need to befriend/follow you before they’ve even seen you in person again? I have a great idea.. CALL THE PERSON AND INVITE THEM OUT!! I mean.. seriously.. how hard is it to sit down at the Starbucks and share some shallow ass information in hopes that you’ll get preliminarily liked!? Stalking someone is uncouth.. unless of course, you don’t actually know them

2. Pictures in the hands of a perv — “Um, cn I get a pic uv u so I dnt forget wht u look like?” THE HAIL!?!? … THE FCUK!?!? You know.. just be honest.. “I thought you were pretty so can I get a pic of you to jack to and show my friends and tell them you’re my girl?” *deep breath*.. I HATE THIS CRAP!! I really can’t even explain how annoying this is.. if you are going to meet up with someone that you met 3 days ago and you “don’t remember” what they look like you probably shouldn’t be going anywhere with them.. and if the person ignores your request or says no.. DON’T ASK AGAIN! I don’t take pics so I have a handy-damn-dandy pic to send your thirsty ass.. I take them because I’m cute and bored.. DUH! *bbm talk to the hand face*

3. Technology progressed, why didn’t you!? — IT.IS.2010.WHY.DO.YOU.STILL.HAVE.A.FLIP.PHONE!?!? Verizon, Best Buy, Sprint give away phones for free! SMARTPHONES.. not Motorola Razrs.. BLACKBERRYS… How can you not call up a friend and grab the BOGO Bold!? Oh.. because they already stepped out the dark ages?! Well.. here’s an idea.. keep the free one in case the first one breaks.. IT’S FREE.. and if you can’t afford the data plan.. well we shouldn’t even be acquainted.. even broke ass grad students have data plans..

4. It’s a PHONE — it has a speaker and a hearing thingamabob.. you use it to TALK.. if you want to use your phone to text get a 2-way.. Texting is not a replacement for talking.. it’s a supplement! That means that you text ONLY when necessary.. i.e. (a.) I am at work and needed to tell you something really quick (b.) I have company and it’s not you.. so in lieu of returning your phone call……. A text is not a suitable method of communication, ESPECIALLY if it’s in a situation with someone YOU DON’T KNOW.. pick up the phone bonehead!

5. Now you think you know everydamnthang about me — him: “Aww I aint know you was frens wit Shalonda O’Dell” me: “WHO NUCCA?!” Look patna.. just because you see someone is my friend on the book or the twitter.. does NOT mean I actually know them, kick it with them, eat their homecooking.. Don’t be stalkin my friends list.. even further.. don’t be stalkin my activity! “Ahh so, you don’t like my mama now?” “UMM WHAT!?” “Well I seen on twitter yo..” “Ohh hell NO.. *real life talk to the hand face*” Look.. don’t be readin all up in my social networks and then askin me about it in real life.. and do NOT assume that I am talkin about you!! Maybe I don’t like my other boyfriends mama!! Or maybe I’m quoting a movie.. either way..stay in your lane and off my twitta nicca o_O

6. I just HAD to mention this — When you want to go out with/date/hang out with a person you ASK them to spend time with them! “when we gon hang” is NOT the proper way to ask someone out on a date or to your damn couch.. who said I wanted to hang out with your ass in the first place?! Don’t assume I want to even be around you.. you ask if we can hang out and I might say yes.. eff around and get textually pieced man.. And if this assumption of hanging out occurs via text.. *hangs head* that 18 strikes.. #reallygrindsmygears

SMH WTF OHN WHTEVR

Technology is causing idiots in real life to believe they are geniuses.. Technology is causing people with no common sense to believe that they have some sort of intelligences.. Technology is causing people who have no couth or social adept-ness to believe that they can interact with normal people.. STOP IT..

Stop texting, bbm’ing, twittering, facebooking, myspacing well actually.. if you’re on myspace you need to just quit life, pornhubing my life and learn how to date like a normal human being circa 1995.. Damn.. aint you ever seen Love Jones?! “Yeah.. I gotcho numba”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*contents of this blog and post are for entertainment purposes and do not directly reflect my actual intelligence in real life (i.e. I know intelligences wasn’t used correctly” mmkay?)

This Is A Damn Shame

Posted in m. lauren speaks with tags , , , , on 08/03/2010 by emellewriter

Not only have I not written in ages for various reasons.. I have writers block (reason number 1)

I was reading Single Black Male and I got all inspired to blog.. but had nothing to blog about.. I mean.. really nothing whatsoever.. But I thought.. isn’t this blog about a young woman discovering herself as a single person and what she wants from life?! Well.. why don’t I just talk about that.. #duh

What I have learned in the past few months.. is what is important to me.. and that, of course, is the key to discovering who you are and what you want.. so…

What’s Important to Me:

1. School — Im going to grad school at the end of the this month and at least 5 times a day I think of something related to school

2. Money — or a lack thereof.. Because I am returning to school I am going to return to that old ballin stage known as “student”.. and the more I think about that.. the more I think about how I want to be fiscally responsible.. which leads to

3. Growing Up — Being spoiled has its perks.. you get whatever you want.. but that also means that you don’t learn the art of independence and taking care of yourself.. at this point I just want to be an adult and not have to depend on anyone else

The things that are most important to me involve becoming a better person and adult.. getting to know myself on a level I haven’t reached yet..

So even though I somewhat want a meaningful relationship.. I am in a place where I feel like I am not ready.. At this point in life.. getting in relationships just to have a “boyfriend” is basically stupid.. at this point (Im near 24 & out of undergrad) I am waiting for my husband to come along.. not a status “in a  relationship” on facebook.. I mean: stability..

Back to my not being ready: I don’t really have the time, energy or desire to build and maintain a brand new relationship.. all of my focuses revolve around me.. how could I devote any focus to another person when I am trying to build and maintain a relationship with myself!?

I’ve heard that men won’t get into relationships with women until they feel they’re done building upon themselves (i.e. career-focused) and that makes alot of sense.. If you are putting the majority of your focus on one thing and one person (self) why even drag another person into the mix!? They will probably end up neglected somehow anyway..

So I just decided to allow my focus to stick to what’s important to me and if a man comes along.. then it’s whatever..

It’s that attitude “it’s whatever” that lets me know that I may be ready in some ways horny as hell but not truly desiring a relationship or the pursuing of one.. or at least that I don’t need to be pursuing one

Its more important at this juncture to do what will make me a better person so that in the future when I meet someone.. I can put my focus into that relationship rather than leaving it on the backburner while I make myself greater

Let’s Talk About Pep

Posted in Love Actually.., Say What Now?!, We Dont Settle Round These Here Parts, What Is The Big Deal!? with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 02/09/2010 by emellewriter

Yes.. let’s!

I am a Salt n Pepa fan!! Pep now has a VH1 show where she is trying to find a man.. My favorite song incidentally is “I’ll Take Yo Man”..

Now.. this show is very similar to “Sex and the City”.. Pep and her “friends” Joumana, Kittie and Jacque meet for lunch and rehash their dates from the past week.. the friendships are contrived.. but its the dating that makes me crack up!!!

So.. on tonights show.. Pep hired a matchmaker and she threw Pep a party.. all of the men at the party were weird as hell!!

All of that to say:

If you had problems meeting someone.. would you hire a matchmaker?!

Have You Ever…

Posted in MMM.. Now That's Sexy, Oh.. He Could Get It, Say What Now?!, Sigh Life, Single and Loving It, SMH at your leisure, Whoo.. Chile! with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 02/05/2010 by emellewriter

… Been speed dating!?

Let me know in the comments if you got this joke! I did.. rotflmao


I havent.. but today (weather permitting) I will!!

I am going to go with some friends to an event titled “Cuffing Season”.. (I know we won’t even go there!)

Anywho.. I am going to go to this event and speed date and have a little fun.. I have seen people speed date on tv and it looks like a good time.. Im not the type of girl to get all Cinderella about something like this.. I’ll be more.. Bad Girls Club..

I am not looking for love just some good laughs.. if I happen to meet someone nice.. then hopefully I’ll get a movie & some cheddar biscuits out of the deal.. or at least a good phone convo or two.. but I highly doubt I will since I will probably recognize most of the people there..

There is one guy in particular that I hope to see.. he is a club stalker.. and I have decided to turn the tables on him the next time I see him.. so he knows how it feels to get hawked!! However.. I have a feeling he knows how it feels already (because he is 007 sexy) so it might be a failed plan but a fun time..

Anyway.. I am just hoping to go have a good time.. laugh at some corny dudes and drink shirley temples to my little hearts content..

I will be sure to let you guys know how the speed dating went via FlyPaper Magazine!! stay tuned.. this is gonna be FUN!!

I guess I’ll give you Clevelanders the info (taken directly from my email #copyandpastethat): CUFFING SEASON, A SPEED DATING EVENT W/ STYLE @ LUST TONIGHT (2/5), 9PM To 11PM

Booty Calls and Other SRs

Posted in If You Like It I Love It, m. lauren speaks, SRs, What Is The Big Deal!? with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 01/26/2010 by emellewriter

As you know.. I write for FlyPaper Magazine.. this is an article I did back in the summer.. I decided to share it here.. Enjoy!.. and visit FlyPaper  for more from me and the FP fam!

Ain’t No Call Like A Booty Call 

There was once a time when a guy would be “sweet” on a girl and court her.  He would take her on dates, whisper sweet nothings in her ear and be nervous about getting that good night kiss.  There was a time when young men walked up to a young lady’s door, presented her with flowers and brought her home before the bewitching hours (10p-3a) of the night.   

Boy, have times changed.  

In the new millennium, being “sweet” on a girl means that you think she has a fatty and you’d like to tap that.  Dates require as much time and preparation as it takes to text a girl and see if she wants just come “chill and watch a movie”, those sweet nothings in your ear consist of him whispering about how “bad” you are and that good night kiss? Well that just turned into a good night romp in the sheets.  In this day and age, a pack of condoms is more likely to be presented than something of the floral variety and those bewitching hours are prime-time for the modern day Casanova. 

Whatever happened to old school romance? Apparently it flew out the window with saddle shoes, glass Coca-Cola bottles and poodle skirts.  A new Sexual Revolution has taken over.  Much more under wraps yet nastier than the free love 70’s, the booty-call-friend-with-benefits-f*#%-buddy trend is liberating the pants off people from high-school to the Sunrise Senior Living complex.  But, this rash of no-strings sexual encounters comes along with plenty of issues:

1. one party lying to or leading on the other party resulting in 2. the risk of emotional attachment 3. the risk of contracting an STD/HIV/AIDS 4. pregnancy (a booty call baby) 5. the risk of public humiliation (usually in cases where one party goes locker room on the other), among other things. 

With all of these potential problems, why would one venture into the realm of booty call-dom?

Casual sex research conducted by ScienceDaily found, “… women are more willing to have casual sex when there is a chance of forming a long-term relationship.” Casual sex is not and will never be a precursor to a relationship.  As the old saying goes “if he can have the milk for free, why buy the whole cow?”  If it’s a relationship you are searching for, having casual sex can be very detrimental to what you’re trying to build.  Instead of creating a foundation for a strong, lasting relationship, people in these situations tend to settle for less.  If, in fact, a relationship did result from the random encounter, the foundation of the relationship would be based on the initial lust, so building upon that would take more work than you may be willing to withstand. Mutual sexual attraction does not equal compatibility.

Focus, instead, on what you want out of a successful relationship and what you have to offer.  If you have standards in mind, you won’t be quick to lower them for someone else, no matter how fine or drool-worthy he is.  Giving it up to get more will only result in you feeling used, regretful and emotionally shriveled.  According to ScienceDaily, “The predominant negative feeling reported by women was regret at having been “used”. Women were also more likely to feel that they had let themselves down … What the women seemed to object to was not the briefness of the encounter but the fact that the man did not seem to appreciate her.”  Take out time for yourself, learn who you are and appreciate yourself before seeking out a faulty relationship.

On the other hand, many people are comfortable in their sexuality and sexual decisions.  If you are one of these people and decide to embark on a no-strings sexual journey, take precautions to avoid confusion, negativity and emotional or physical harm.

Continue reading

All That Matters Is You

Posted in IMO, Love Actually.., m. lauren speaks, The Way I See It with tags , , , , , , , , on 01/22/2010 by emellewriter

Sometimes I write from personal experience.. other times I take from other people I know or know of and their experiences.. I put myself in their shoes..

Here is the scenario: two people who are into each other but are not “together” in the traditional sense of being boyfriend/girlfriend.. they are technically single but see each other on a mostly exclusive basis.. of course people would have plenty to say about this unconventional arrangement..

Here are “my” thoughts:

To Mystery Gentleman Caller:

It’s like this.. I really care for you.. but we’re not together in the traditional sense.. You’re the man in my life and I’m the woman in yours.. we do things together and apart and both have feelings for each other.  People keep wondering how or why I’d be involved with someone in this type of situation! It’s very simple actually.. I am secure. 

I know how you feel about me and you know how I feel about you.. there is no need to question it.  We are not in a relationship because we have things to do before dragging each other into each others lives so deeply.. Sure I want to be with you totally and am sure you feel the same.. but if you can’t give me 100% then I wont short change myself, especially when I know I can’t give you 100% either. 

The fact is, it’s not about what I want.. it’s about who I want!  I want you and I’ll take it how you give it to me just like you’re willing to take whatever I have to offer to you!

I don’t believe I am settling.  How could I be? I am single as far as definitions go and I can go be with anyone I want.  And even if we stopped dating (or whatever you want to call it) I could pick up the pieces much the same way I would if I was breaking up with  a boyfriend.. I’ve worried about getting hurt, but the fact is being in a relationship won’t prevent you from hurting me or vice versa. 

Time wasting is never an issue because I enjoy whatever time we have together.. I am not pining away waiting for you.. I am out enjoying my life and doing my thing the same way you are.. but I am stuck to you like glue.  There are parts of me that I will share only with you for the time being.. I won’t be naive so we’ll only speak on what I know for sure and leave it at that. 

Am I waiting for you? I guess you could say something like that.. If I ever decided I no longer wanted anything to do with you.. I’d just stop dating (or whatever you want to call it) you!  It’s pretty much that simple.. I can walk away if I ever feel the need to..

But today.. I am pleased, happy, comfortable.. You’re my companion, my friend, my much more than anyone could imagine.. Nothing matters but our feelings for each other.

A relationship is defined as “an emotional or other connection between people.” It is not defined as two people committed to titles or going steady (#throwback).. it’s an emotional connection.. When it comes to relationships.. it is the emotional bond that helps us to sustain.. not the titles & following the traditions of courting laid before us.. we make the connections work the best way we know how.. the thing that matters most when it comes to relationships is that the parties involved are happy with each other and the state their relationship is in.. if just having each other around is enough then so be it..

I have been faced with “titleing” a few times.. and the only thing that does is give you a possesive term to dish out when questions are asked.. I have no problem with giving or taking on titles.. but it is not necessary to define the type of relationship I am involved in.. if I say “we are dating” what I truly mean is “I really like him and he really likes me and we hang out and are possibly sexually involved but we haven’t made an exclusive commitment to each other”..

As long as I am happy and he is happy with whatever we are doing.. there is no need to question it..