Today…

Posted in m. lauren speaks with tags , , on 07/29/2011 by emellewriter

We spoke… about nothing and everything…And it made me see you in a totally different light… but I don’t even know you…I never knew you and never knew I wanted to… I wouldn’t say I took a chance because I didn’t know that’s what I was doing… I just started talking because that’s what people who want to meet new people do… and you surprised me… Sometimes at night I reflect on what you said and I think to myself… where did you come from!? All I know is my first instinct tells me that God broke the mold… For everything I ever imagined to know, you proved me wrong… I didn’t know that people existed that could touch me on such a level… You reach a place that is rarely marred… it’s like you say what I’m thinking but can’t put into words… And if I wasn’t thinking it then, I am now… You’re fresh… and new and you make me feel… There are times when I think that I can predict the next thing you’ll say but I’m wrong… are you unpredictable!? Perhaps,I should stop… Maybe I should stop trying to foresee and simply live in the moment of your words… Because every syllable brings you to life… It’s in your words, your voice, your tone, your inflection… You’re real… So many of us stalk the earth as apparitions and shells of who we should be… but you just are… When I hear you speak, my body awakens… I often wish you were here but I have no self-control… The moment you completed a sentence, I would be all over you… Utterly consume you… Your words don’t just reach my ears… They dig craters into my mind and bury themselves where they could never be unearthed… They grow feet and sprint the pathways to my heart and plant themselves… like black mold, your words bind to my emotions stuck fast by my own openness… Your voice, it fades off from time to time… but your words ignite themselves in my memory… And the next time I hear a word from you… my entire body arises from an unruly slumber, ready to explore and delve… Please… go deep…

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So……. where did you meet?!

Posted in If You Like It I Love It, IMO with tags , , , , on 07/27/2011 by emellewriter

Boy meets Girl. Girl likes Boy. Boy and Girl go out. Girl and Boy start dating. Friends of Boy and Girl ask “how did you meet?” They reply, “on Twitter.” The world implodes.

Okay, we all know the world won’t collapse just because two viable, single adults form a romantic connection that started as an acquaintanceship on a social network. But why do people act like it will?!

Ever since the beginning of Facebook’s world domination (no, MySpace does not exist, it was an illusion) single people have been hooking up and their friends have been weirded out.

But really, what is so weird about meeting a person online? The only difference between meeting a person via a social network and meeting them at the club/grocery store/gas station is that you can’t tell if their breath smells like four piles of wtf.. oh, or if they’re a real person.

But forget the fake profile thing for a minute and think about this:

Meeting a person on a social network is very similar to meeting them in real life, not to mention, it can also be easier…

Who are the people you follow or befriend online?! First you start off with people you know: friends, roommates, acquaintances, coworkers. Then you begin to add on friends of friends. Real life works in the same way.. you meet up for drinks with your best friend and she brings along her friend who you like and begin hanging out with which allows you to meet more strangers people. Not the same concept?!

Fine.. then think about how when you go out to your favorite bar you see a guy that is always there but you never talk to. Only this time he’s hanging with a guy that you’re friends with. Now you approach the friend, are introduced to the guy and maybe even exchange numbers. Later you can get the deets on this guy from your friend & fall happily in love.

Twitter is the same.. that one random guy keeps getting retweeted by a person you know.. then one days he’s in your mentions, next thing you know you’re mutual followers. Then you get a dm, exchange numbers and it’s on.. and don’t forget how you’ll be calling that one RT crazy friend to get all the details on @SexualChocolate later on.

Social networks serve to make your networks expand. Whether you’re making business contacts or new friends to smoke hookah with, your network is increasing every time you open it up to a new friend request.

Then of course there’s the fact that the sites give you an opportunity to “get to know” a person before you even think of meeting them in real life. Every photo added, status update and subtweet tell you a bit about the person you’re linking up with.

You’ll find out about his crazy ex, his obsession with shopping, his hobbies, his resume and all the other tmi shit people can’t stand to keep to themselves..

Now you’ve formed a level of comfort with a person.. and a false sense of security but let’s stay optimistic..

By forming a bond online you can begin to see who this person is, potentially. At the very least they’ve given a good first impression because you’re taking the bond offline.. and why not? You already know that you’re a little bit compatible.

You both enjoy social networking and share some friends in common. Then you read a Twitter update and fall in love instantly because he’s gushing about how he can’t live without pancakes and Criminal Minds marathons.. Bam!! Love connection (you better hit that dm before the next nerd does)

The only weird part about meeting a person online is actually having to meet them in real life.. but why let that stop you?! Meet up at Starbucks and find your love! Or both of you can meet up with that mutual friend for drinks.. or he can just fly in from whatever faraway state he lives in and take you to dinner?! Either way it goes.. don’t let the weirdness of meeting them or the potential side eyes stop your flow.. Love doesn’t have any boundaries. If it can walk up to you in the club wearing a jheri curl and denim suit in 2011 then it can surely float by you on the arms of Mark Zuckerberg..

We live in a totally new era, gone are the days of landline phones, handwritten poetry and placing ads on the back of a newspaper. Be open to finding love (or lust, if that’s your steez) in all places.. you never know what princes may be chillin in your DMs..

Losing My Voice

Posted in m. lauren speaks on 07/20/2011 by emellewriter

Remember when Ariel sold her voice to Ursula for love!? She was all legs and no voice, just walking around all in love with some prince on a yacht and couldn’t say shit?!

I pretty much did the same thing in the opposite, non-Disney way.

I kept ending up hurt in love (either by own hard-headedness or by silly ass men I had no business dealing with in the first place, which basically means: me, again). And in order to stop being or feeling hurt, upset or pissed off, I developed a shell.. I’m pretty sure it’s just made out of plexiglass though. I’m not a Gabrielle Union character just yet, but I am a little jaded, over it, done.

I got so tired of wanting something that I clearly wasn’t ready for, so sick of spending time thinking about people who weren’t worried about me, so annoyed with even hoping that this might turn out right. I just gave up.

I decided I was done meeting guys, dating guys, calling, texting or thinking about men. I was completely over it. And I decided to pull my focus into better things: God, school (which hasn’t started back yet) and saving up money for after graduation (so now I have 3 jobs). Not bad things to focus on.. but still..

My entire life I have been “boy crazy” I always liked meeting guys, talking on the phone, going on dates and yes, I even got a kick out of the drama. And then one day, it was just a wrap for that life.

I didn’t realize that I’d built up some sort of wall until a guy friend said to me “you don’t have to be so hard with me, you can say how you feel.” I was all like “WHAT?!” But I realized, he was right. I had gotten jaded, I hate hearing about relationships, often times I’m pretending I’m happy for someone when I really could care less and the thought of actually dating is so foreign to me now that I don’t even understand how people move past a first date.

I wasn’t even able to be honest with my friend about my feelings towards him unless they were negative (sorry, I’m so fucking rude). I meet guys and find 8,000 reasons to dislike them before they can find one to dislike me. I’ve said “I don’t care” so much that I actually began not to. I prayed away natural feelings because I thought it would make me feel better (it didn’t). I’ve broken all the “dating” rules but not in a good way. I’ve tried everything to stop myself from getting hurt, so much so that I ended up being hurt even worse.

Out of all the things I could stand to lose, I lost something I can’t live without: my passion.

Writing has been the one thing that I’ve loved ever since my first story in 4th grade. I haven’t been able to stop thinking in rhyme since then. But when I started building a wall around my heart, I stopped being able to think in color.

When I stopped halfway believing in love (which I hadn’t realized until now) I lost my voice. I gained legs, legs that could walk all up and through town never getting hurt by my own silly fantasies or men who acted but didn’t mean well. But I lost my voice.

This voice has been telling tales of love and lust since before I could even understand what the two words meant. This voice has been fueled by romps in the bed with damn near strangers. This voice has been inspired by finally getting the guy that I dreamed about. The voice has given life to disappointment, pain and the pure joy of being in love.

I have often told myself, there is more to life and more to write about than love. But in my silence I realize that God gave me a voice to write about just that. Sure, I can write about most anything: trees, being Black, couch pillows, cats. But writing about love is my thing. I get no better feeling that when I finish a poem or stream of consciousness that envelops love, hot steamy sex, hatred towards a love gone awry or wanting to be loved. It’s what drives me to write. And all those guys that I’ve been trying to desperately to protect my heart from? They helped to fuel that.

I’m not saying that I’m all ready to get back out there and give dating a real try fuck that but I am ready to take the wall down. If it is going to keep me from my voice, then I don’t need it. I spent so much time focusing on not losing that I lost what was most important to me. Never again.

So thank you to Josh, Robin, Monisa and DeMario for helping me find my voice again. -m. lauren

Things m. lauren Hates

Posted in I'm Just Sayin, m. lauren speaks with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 12/17/2010 by emellewriter

1. Forgetting Things — I totally had a #1 in mind when I started this post and promptly forgot it as soon as I started typing! I know it was going to be hilarious.. Anywho.. my short term memory loss can probably be attributed to an excessive amount of stress that has come with being a grad student and brokeness and probably some of my extracurricular activities that I won’t speak on because “the boys is clockin”

2. Hood Ass Books — DEAR AUTHORS OF URBAN SHITERATURE (oh shit that was kinda clever), STOP! Stop trying to make me believe that there are literally thousands of big time drug dealers who are ballin in these streets, gettin all the bitches AND are fine as hell.. If there are so many, how are they making any money!?!? Also, I have YET to see a fine ass drug dealer in real life or on tv.. at best they’re moderately unattractive. Secondly, Stop trying to convince me that all chicks from the hood have kids at a young age, date and get taken care of by drug dealing sugar daddies, are finer than Beyonce and have that sex game on LOCK.. child please!! Lastly, save your delusions for day dreams, aint nobody tryna read about all the shit you wish was true but isn’t because you’re really locked up, old and fugly.. I have to digress because this could be an entire series of posts

3. Line Dances — or rather the expectation that I even care to learn a line dance.. JUST BECAUSE I’M BLACK does not mean that I want to electric slide or booty call my ass all up and through your tired ass wedding reception! Line dances are inane, doing the same steps over and over are tiring and boring.

4. Speaking of Dancing — Why do guys think it’s appropriate to walk up behind you and start grinding while you’re dancing alone or with your girls!? Great example of a guy’s idiocy: “you lookin kinda lonely over here” said to me last Thanksgiving where I was standing on some stairs KICKIN IT by myself! My friends were less than 8 feet away at the bar and I wanted to be cute by my damn self! Dancing alone =/= me being/feeling lonely or desperate.. it just means I know how to hang with my damn self.. Second.. If I’m dancing with a group of my friends and we’re in a formation of any sort (a circle, standing side by side, in front of each other doing the superman that hoe #dontjudgeme) that means I am having a good time with my girls.. I am NOT going out to meet a man.. I’m going to get stupid drunk and dance on the speakers hang with my girls.. back the hell up & get a Sprite thirst monster (lol it’s okay to be corny)

5. Mousepads on Laptops — I have a general hate for these because they move the mouse around when you’re typing, so you’re inserting words into sentences without even knowing it and now you have to ctrl + z just 85 times to figure out the issue..

6. Black People Who Get Mad When — white people make fun of us/them! How many times have you watched Chris Rock make commentary on “shit white folks do” or compare them to us?!??! But then when white people do that to us we get pissed!! For what!? Face it, black people are some damn bullies! We act like just because we’ve suffered some injustices we can go around taking it out on people but they can’t hit back!?! Eff that! If you whoop my ass for 7 years, I’m coming back with a haymaker for that ass!!! So expect the same from a white person who possibly feels the same way..

7. Reruns — I hate it when you wait ALL damn day for your favorite show to come on at 8/9/10 o clock and you finally turn and it’s an episode from earlier in the season that you already watched!! Then you have to find some other way to occupy your time because your whole, entire night was planned around watching Community!

8. Black Shows That Get Cancelled — I am STILL pissed at the CW for canceling Girlfriends without so much as a “sorry bitches”! For EIGHT years I sat on the edge of my seat wondering when the hell Joan was gonna get married, if Maya and Darnell could get back together and when the hell Lynn was gonna find her way, hoping that William found some male friends and Toni would get back to being friends with Joan because Monica wasn’t cuttin it for me! And all I got was a lousy last episode that didn’t answer a damn thing!! I am still waiting for my finale, or at least a letter from Mara telling me wtf happened (like how they do at the ends of movies) and yes, I am still bitter!! Living Single is another one of those shows

9. Groups and Their Causes — While I was flipping channels, I saw a headline on Fox News (ugh, I know) that said: “Women’s Group Thinks Hooters Should Not Serve Minors”! Nevermind the fact that these girls go to work everyday dressed like some slutty ass traffic cones. Nevermind the fact that “son of a bitch” just played on FOX’s Family Guy this past Sunday”. Nevermind the fact that Cosmo sells at the checkout line boasting headlines such as “how to have the best sex ever” every damn month. Nevermind the fact that kids can damn near see ass and titties on any cable channel. Nevermind the fact that it takes all of 7 seconds to realize that you can lie about your age on the internet and access sites like keezmovies (porn). Nevermind all of this bullshit.. these hoes are worried about some 10 year old boy gettin his kicks off seeing some boobies and eating some wings!?!? I say it’s a rites of passage to ogle chesticles with your dad while watching Rastlin (wrestling) and eating hot wings!

10. Was Going To Be People Who Bully Others However…

1o. Rihanna — She can’t sing, she can’t dress herself (but that’s what stylists are for) and she is basically annoying!! I mean.. she really CANNOT sing.. though there are a host of other people who cannot sing (Ashanti).. Rihanna is like.. a worldwide superstar with her Kim Zolciak ass! Then you have…….oh I don’t know!? Jazmine Sullivan with a phenom voice who should be selling out shows from here to Australia & going diamond  on every album!

11. People Who Record Fights — Why are you standing around, taping someone scrap in the street and then putting it on youtube!?!? How stupid is that?! Do something productive with your Flip digital recorder and make a low-budget movie or something!

12. THIS:

This is that coon ass bullshit

These are just a few of the things that really just work my last nerve, annoy me or I truly hate! Laugh along if you like and tell me what it is that you hate!

#ILearnedItOnTwitter

Posted in KNOCK IT OUT THE PARK, Now THAT Is Funny with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 12/17/2010 by emellewriter


I tweet probably from the time I wake up until I go to bed.. don’t judge me.. I just have a lot of feelings #MeanGirls

While perusing twitter, I usually learn some ignorant, hilarious and rowdy ish..

For instance.. Chris Brown taught me that ballets are those slow songs on albums

and

Mary J. Blige taught me that people who are smart have intelligents..

Back to the subject..

Today I learned a new phrase to add to my repertoire of sexual synonyms..

What are sexual synonyms!? Okay.. I know you’re smarter than this.. but I’ll humor you..

Sexual synonyms: words or phrases used to define or characterize sex, sexual acts or the reproductive organs.

Well known examples:  head (oral sex), kitty (vagina), wang (penis), and good good (a stupid ass phrase that denotes a woman who has powerful enough p to keep her man off the streets #NoKeriHilson)

As stated.. I learned a new sexual synonym today that made me laugh SO hard that I just had to share it:

Awh-sum Jahw-sum

Awesome Jawsome: (adj.) great head that makes you act a damn fool…the woman uses every muscle in her jaws… -@TittyJenkins216

Awesome Jawsome goes beyond the realm of regular by the book dome, it’s the type of oral sex that makes man’s toes curl, knees buckle and renders his legs useless for minutes upon completion.. I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that the act probably concludes with a big gulp and a cheeseburger smile on the face of the receiver..

Perhaps the next time you’re in the mood for a little oral lovey dub dub from your chick (or whoever you choose).. you’ll say.. “hey baby.. what’s up with that awesome jawsome!??!”

I’ve yet to come up with a cool female-appropriate term so.. I say.. just stick with the push the head down method for now

You Could Be My Piece // Brief Reflections on Love

Posted in Love Actually.., luv music, m. lauren speaks with tags , , , , , , on 12/17/2010 by emellewriter

Lately I have been too busy to even see straight.. but I recently had the chance to cop Miguel’s album All I Want Is You.

I FCUKING LOVE IT!

The album is smooth, easy to listen to and different from what I usually listen to without being over the top..

One of my favorite’s off the album is “My Piece” <<click to listen>>

He’s singing about his girl being his piece.. by his side.. ridin and dyin..

The song resonates with me because it makes me reflect whenever I hear it..

When I think of love and relationships I think of two people who stand side by side.. they’re partners.. they’re lovers.. they’re friends

The song just reflects love back to me.. it’s sexy, a little bit gangsta, it leaves a bit to the imagination and it makes you want more and more.. it makes you feel safe and secure, a little risque and exclusive..

The exclusivity of love is so appealing.. any and everybody can find, experience and be in love.. but it’s not the same experience for any two people.. Love is intimate, full of surprises and sacred.. it’s actually a lot more than I can put into words or even imagine..

It is my hope that true love finds every person..

I think I just got a bit too mushy! Buy Miguel’s album on iTunes let me know what your favorite songs are..

You can follow Miguel on twitter.. @migmoney..

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or via twitter @emellewriter

Just because I love you: bonus just in case I ever become a stripper favorite track <<Vixen>>

“love is too weak to define, just what you mean to me” -Prince, Adore

*speaking of true love, not the lust, like and confusion some of you busters deem love


STOP TEXTING ME FOOL

Posted in Hold The Phone!!, I CANNOT, Sigh Life, Wham Bam No Thank You Ma'am with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 11/22/2010 by emellewriter

I had to take a little time out of my busy schedule of thinking about doing homework and pretending to work to address a very serious epidemic…

new-fangled-technological dating

let me preface this post with a huge sigh…

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH

Let me just list all the reasons technology is ruining dating as I have grown to know it!

1. It turns regular people into sappy stalkers —
“So uhh.. you got facebook/twitter/wordpress/pornhub!?” WHY!? So that you can social network me to death before you even learn my last name and favorite cereal!? Why.. why.. WHY does a person need to befriend/follow you before they’ve even seen you in person again? I have a great idea.. CALL THE PERSON AND INVITE THEM OUT!! I mean.. seriously.. how hard is it to sit down at the Starbucks and share some shallow ass information in hopes that you’ll get preliminarily liked!? Stalking someone is uncouth.. unless of course, you don’t actually know them

2. Pictures in the hands of a perv — “Um, cn I get a pic uv u so I dnt forget wht u look like?” THE HAIL!?!? … THE FCUK!?!? You know.. just be honest.. “I thought you were pretty so can I get a pic of you to jack to and show my friends and tell them you’re my girl?” *deep breath*.. I HATE THIS CRAP!! I really can’t even explain how annoying this is.. if you are going to meet up with someone that you met 3 days ago and you “don’t remember” what they look like you probably shouldn’t be going anywhere with them.. and if the person ignores your request or says no.. DON’T ASK AGAIN! I don’t take pics so I have a handy-damn-dandy pic to send your thirsty ass.. I take them because I’m cute and bored.. DUH! *bbm talk to the hand face*

3. Technology progressed, why didn’t you!? — IT.IS.2010.WHY.DO.YOU.STILL.HAVE.A.FLIP.PHONE!?!? Verizon, Best Buy, Sprint give away phones for free! SMARTPHONES.. not Motorola Razrs.. BLACKBERRYS… How can you not call up a friend and grab the BOGO Bold!? Oh.. because they already stepped out the dark ages?! Well.. here’s an idea.. keep the free one in case the first one breaks.. IT’S FREE.. and if you can’t afford the data plan.. well we shouldn’t even be acquainted.. even broke ass grad students have data plans..

4. It’s a PHONE — it has a speaker and a hearing thingamabob.. you use it to TALK.. if you want to use your phone to text get a 2-way.. Texting is not a replacement for talking.. it’s a supplement! That means that you text ONLY when necessary.. i.e. (a.) I am at work and needed to tell you something really quick (b.) I have company and it’s not you.. so in lieu of returning your phone call……. A text is not a suitable method of communication, ESPECIALLY if it’s in a situation with someone YOU DON’T KNOW.. pick up the phone bonehead!

5. Now you think you know everydamnthang about me — him: “Aww I aint know you was frens wit Shalonda O’Dell” me: “WHO NUCCA?!” Look patna.. just because you see someone is my friend on the book or the twitter.. does NOT mean I actually know them, kick it with them, eat their homecooking.. Don’t be stalkin my friends list.. even further.. don’t be stalkin my activity! “Ahh so, you don’t like my mama now?” “UMM WHAT!?” “Well I seen on twitter yo..” “Ohh hell NO.. *real life talk to the hand face*” Look.. don’t be readin all up in my social networks and then askin me about it in real life.. and do NOT assume that I am talkin about you!! Maybe I don’t like my other boyfriends mama!! Or maybe I’m quoting a movie.. either way..stay in your lane and off my twitta nicca o_O

6. I just HAD to mention this — When you want to go out with/date/hang out with a person you ASK them to spend time with them! “when we gon hang” is NOT the proper way to ask someone out on a date or to your damn couch.. who said I wanted to hang out with your ass in the first place?! Don’t assume I want to even be around you.. you ask if we can hang out and I might say yes.. eff around and get textually pieced man.. And if this assumption of hanging out occurs via text.. *hangs head* that 18 strikes.. #reallygrindsmygears

SMH WTF OHN WHTEVR

Technology is causing idiots in real life to believe they are geniuses.. Technology is causing people with no common sense to believe that they have some sort of intelligences.. Technology is causing people who have no couth or social adept-ness to believe that they can interact with normal people.. STOP IT..

Stop texting, bbm’ing, twittering, facebooking, myspacing well actually.. if you’re on myspace you need to just quit life, pornhubing my life and learn how to date like a normal human being circa 1995.. Damn.. aint you ever seen Love Jones?! “Yeah.. I gotcho numba”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*contents of this blog and post are for entertainment purposes and do not directly reflect my actual intelligence in real life (i.e. I know intelligences wasn’t used correctly” mmkay?)