Archive for the m. lauren speaks Category

Posted in m. lauren speaks on 09/26/2011 by emellewriter

I feel happy.. loving.. indifferent.. hopeful.. bright.. sunny.. invigorated and like a new person all at once..

What happened?! I don’t think anything special happened! I did as much homework as I could over the weekend, spent time with family and relaxed a bit.. but nothing about that is unordinary..

Maybe it’s just God answering my many prayers!!

Specify Your Goals

Posted in m. lauren speaks with tags , , , , on 08/29/2011 by emellewriter

I just started doing a daily devotional using the Bible app on my phone. Today’s was about being specific in your goals… I thought I’d share:

Be Specific About Your Future

In order to get to where you want to be, you need to describe exactly what you want. For instance, Abraham told Eliezer exactly what kind of wife he wanted for Isaac. He told him to go back to the land of his relatives instead of picking Isaac’s wife from among the Canaanite women.

You will never reach a vague goal. The more general it is, the less power it has. But the more specific it is, the more power it has in your life.

Ask yourself these four questions: 1) What do I want to be? 2) What do I want to do? 3) What do I want to have? 4) Why do I want it?

You can’t just know the what, you need to know the why – that’s your motivation. If you don’t know why, you will give up when it gets tough.

When Eliezer heard Abraham’s goal, he started asking “What if?” If you listen to the what-ifs of your goal, you will fail because of worry and fear.

You don’t need to focus on the how for now because, once you figure out the why, God will show you how. He will help you solve the problems that stand in the way of your goal.

Reading: Gen 24: 3-4

This was just in time for me… not only confirming but reassuring… Hope it is for you as well

Today…

Posted in m. lauren speaks with tags , , on 07/29/2011 by emellewriter

We spoke… about nothing and everything…And it made me see you in a totally different light… but I don’t even know you…I never knew you and never knew I wanted to… I wouldn’t say I took a chance because I didn’t know that’s what I was doing… I just started talking because that’s what people who want to meet new people do… and you surprised me… Sometimes at night I reflect on what you said and I think to myself… where did you come from!? All I know is my first instinct tells me that God broke the mold… For everything I ever imagined to know, you proved me wrong… I didn’t know that people existed that could touch me on such a level… You reach a place that is rarely marred… it’s like you say what I’m thinking but can’t put into words… And if I wasn’t thinking it then, I am now… You’re fresh… and new and you make me feel… There are times when I think that I can predict the next thing you’ll say but I’m wrong… are you unpredictable!? Perhaps,I should stop… Maybe I should stop trying to foresee and simply live in the moment of your words… Because every syllable brings you to life… It’s in your words, your voice, your tone, your inflection… You’re real… So many of us stalk the earth as apparitions and shells of who we should be… but you just are… When I hear you speak, my body awakens… I often wish you were here but I have no self-control… The moment you completed a sentence, I would be all over you… Utterly consume you… Your words don’t just reach my ears… They dig craters into my mind and bury themselves where they could never be unearthed… They grow feet and sprint the pathways to my heart and plant themselves… like black mold, your words bind to my emotions stuck fast by my own openness… Your voice, it fades off from time to time… but your words ignite themselves in my memory… And the next time I hear a word from you… my entire body arises from an unruly slumber, ready to explore and delve… Please… go deep…

Losing My Voice

Posted in m. lauren speaks on 07/20/2011 by emellewriter

Remember when Ariel sold her voice to Ursula for love!? She was all legs and no voice, just walking around all in love with some prince on a yacht and couldn’t say shit?!

I pretty much did the same thing in the opposite, non-Disney way.

I kept ending up hurt in love (either by own hard-headedness or by silly ass men I had no business dealing with in the first place, which basically means: me, again). And in order to stop being or feeling hurt, upset or pissed off, I developed a shell.. I’m pretty sure it’s just made out of plexiglass though. I’m not a Gabrielle Union character just yet, but I am a little jaded, over it, done.

I got so tired of wanting something that I clearly wasn’t ready for, so sick of spending time thinking about people who weren’t worried about me, so annoyed with even hoping that this might turn out right. I just gave up.

I decided I was done meeting guys, dating guys, calling, texting or thinking about men. I was completely over it. And I decided to pull my focus into better things: God, school (which hasn’t started back yet) and saving up money for after graduation (so now I have 3 jobs). Not bad things to focus on.. but still..

My entire life I have been “boy crazy” I always liked meeting guys, talking on the phone, going on dates and yes, I even got a kick out of the drama. And then one day, it was just a wrap for that life.

I didn’t realize that I’d built up some sort of wall until a guy friend said to me “you don’t have to be so hard with me, you can say how you feel.” I was all like “WHAT?!” But I realized, he was right. I had gotten jaded, I hate hearing about relationships, often times I’m pretending I’m happy for someone when I really could care less and the thought of actually dating is so foreign to me now that I don’t even understand how people move past a first date.

I wasn’t even able to be honest with my friend about my feelings towards him unless they were negative (sorry, I’m so fucking rude). I meet guys and find 8,000 reasons to dislike them before they can find one to dislike me. I’ve said “I don’t care” so much that I actually began not to. I prayed away natural feelings because I thought it would make me feel better (it didn’t). I’ve broken all the “dating” rules but not in a good way. I’ve tried everything to stop myself from getting hurt, so much so that I ended up being hurt even worse.

Out of all the things I could stand to lose, I lost something I can’t live without: my passion.

Writing has been the one thing that I’ve loved ever since my first story in 4th grade. I haven’t been able to stop thinking in rhyme since then. But when I started building a wall around my heart, I stopped being able to think in color.

When I stopped halfway believing in love (which I hadn’t realized until now) I lost my voice. I gained legs, legs that could walk all up and through town never getting hurt by my own silly fantasies or men who acted but didn’t mean well. But I lost my voice.

This voice has been telling tales of love and lust since before I could even understand what the two words meant. This voice has been fueled by romps in the bed with damn near strangers. This voice has been inspired by finally getting the guy that I dreamed about. The voice has given life to disappointment, pain and the pure joy of being in love.

I have often told myself, there is more to life and more to write about than love. But in my silence I realize that God gave me a voice to write about just that. Sure, I can write about most anything: trees, being Black, couch pillows, cats. But writing about love is my thing. I get no better feeling that when I finish a poem or stream of consciousness that envelops love, hot steamy sex, hatred towards a love gone awry or wanting to be loved. It’s what drives me to write. And all those guys that I’ve been trying to desperately to protect my heart from? They helped to fuel that.

I’m not saying that I’m all ready to get back out there and give dating a real try fuck that but I am ready to take the wall down. If it is going to keep me from my voice, then I don’t need it. I spent so much time focusing on not losing that I lost what was most important to me. Never again.

So thank you to Josh, Robin, Monisa and DeMario for helping me find my voice again. -m. lauren

Things m. lauren Hates

Posted in I'm Just Sayin, m. lauren speaks with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 12/17/2010 by emellewriter

1. Forgetting Things — I totally had a #1 in mind when I started this post and promptly forgot it as soon as I started typing! I know it was going to be hilarious.. Anywho.. my short term memory loss can probably be attributed to an excessive amount of stress that has come with being a grad student and brokeness and probably some of my extracurricular activities that I won’t speak on because “the boys is clockin”

2. Hood Ass Books — DEAR AUTHORS OF URBAN SHITERATURE (oh shit that was kinda clever), STOP! Stop trying to make me believe that there are literally thousands of big time drug dealers who are ballin in these streets, gettin all the bitches AND are fine as hell.. If there are so many, how are they making any money!?!? Also, I have YET to see a fine ass drug dealer in real life or on tv.. at best they’re moderately unattractive. Secondly, Stop trying to convince me that all chicks from the hood have kids at a young age, date and get taken care of by drug dealing sugar daddies, are finer than Beyonce and have that sex game on LOCK.. child please!! Lastly, save your delusions for day dreams, aint nobody tryna read about all the shit you wish was true but isn’t because you’re really locked up, old and fugly.. I have to digress because this could be an entire series of posts

3. Line Dances — or rather the expectation that I even care to learn a line dance.. JUST BECAUSE I’M BLACK does not mean that I want to electric slide or booty call my ass all up and through your tired ass wedding reception! Line dances are inane, doing the same steps over and over are tiring and boring.

4. Speaking of Dancing — Why do guys think it’s appropriate to walk up behind you and start grinding while you’re dancing alone or with your girls!? Great example of a guy’s idiocy: “you lookin kinda lonely over here” said to me last Thanksgiving where I was standing on some stairs KICKIN IT by myself! My friends were less than 8 feet away at the bar and I wanted to be cute by my damn self! Dancing alone =/= me being/feeling lonely or desperate.. it just means I know how to hang with my damn self.. Second.. If I’m dancing with a group of my friends and we’re in a formation of any sort (a circle, standing side by side, in front of each other doing the superman that hoe #dontjudgeme) that means I am having a good time with my girls.. I am NOT going out to meet a man.. I’m going to get stupid drunk and dance on the speakers hang with my girls.. back the hell up & get a Sprite thirst monster (lol it’s okay to be corny)

5. Mousepads on Laptops — I have a general hate for these because they move the mouse around when you’re typing, so you’re inserting words into sentences without even knowing it and now you have to ctrl + z just 85 times to figure out the issue..

6. Black People Who Get Mad When — white people make fun of us/them! How many times have you watched Chris Rock make commentary on “shit white folks do” or compare them to us?!??! But then when white people do that to us we get pissed!! For what!? Face it, black people are some damn bullies! We act like just because we’ve suffered some injustices we can go around taking it out on people but they can’t hit back!?! Eff that! If you whoop my ass for 7 years, I’m coming back with a haymaker for that ass!!! So expect the same from a white person who possibly feels the same way..

7. Reruns — I hate it when you wait ALL damn day for your favorite show to come on at 8/9/10 o clock and you finally turn and it’s an episode from earlier in the season that you already watched!! Then you have to find some other way to occupy your time because your whole, entire night was planned around watching Community!

8. Black Shows That Get Cancelled — I am STILL pissed at the CW for canceling Girlfriends without so much as a “sorry bitches”! For EIGHT years I sat on the edge of my seat wondering when the hell Joan was gonna get married, if Maya and Darnell could get back together and when the hell Lynn was gonna find her way, hoping that William found some male friends and Toni would get back to being friends with Joan because Monica wasn’t cuttin it for me! And all I got was a lousy last episode that didn’t answer a damn thing!! I am still waiting for my finale, or at least a letter from Mara telling me wtf happened (like how they do at the ends of movies) and yes, I am still bitter!! Living Single is another one of those shows

9. Groups and Their Causes — While I was flipping channels, I saw a headline on Fox News (ugh, I know) that said: “Women’s Group Thinks Hooters Should Not Serve Minors”! Nevermind the fact that these girls go to work everyday dressed like some slutty ass traffic cones. Nevermind the fact that “son of a bitch” just played on FOX’s Family Guy this past Sunday”. Nevermind the fact that Cosmo sells at the checkout line boasting headlines such as “how to have the best sex ever” every damn month. Nevermind the fact that kids can damn near see ass and titties on any cable channel. Nevermind the fact that it takes all of 7 seconds to realize that you can lie about your age on the internet and access sites like keezmovies (porn). Nevermind all of this bullshit.. these hoes are worried about some 10 year old boy gettin his kicks off seeing some boobies and eating some wings!?!? I say it’s a rites of passage to ogle chesticles with your dad while watching Rastlin (wrestling) and eating hot wings!

10. Was Going To Be People Who Bully Others However…

1o. Rihanna — She can’t sing, she can’t dress herself (but that’s what stylists are for) and she is basically annoying!! I mean.. she really CANNOT sing.. though there are a host of other people who cannot sing (Ashanti).. Rihanna is like.. a worldwide superstar with her Kim Zolciak ass! Then you have…….oh I don’t know!? Jazmine Sullivan with a phenom voice who should be selling out shows from here to Australia & going diamond  on every album!

11. People Who Record Fights — Why are you standing around, taping someone scrap in the street and then putting it on youtube!?!? How stupid is that?! Do something productive with your Flip digital recorder and make a low-budget movie or something!

12. THIS:

This is that coon ass bullshit

These are just a few of the things that really just work my last nerve, annoy me or I truly hate! Laugh along if you like and tell me what it is that you hate!

You Could Be My Piece // Brief Reflections on Love

Posted in Love Actually.., luv music, m. lauren speaks with tags , , , , , , on 12/17/2010 by emellewriter

Lately I have been too busy to even see straight.. but I recently had the chance to cop Miguel’s album All I Want Is You.

I FCUKING LOVE IT!

The album is smooth, easy to listen to and different from what I usually listen to without being over the top..

One of my favorite’s off the album is “My Piece” <<click to listen>>

He’s singing about his girl being his piece.. by his side.. ridin and dyin..

The song resonates with me because it makes me reflect whenever I hear it..

When I think of love and relationships I think of two people who stand side by side.. they’re partners.. they’re lovers.. they’re friends

The song just reflects love back to me.. it’s sexy, a little bit gangsta, it leaves a bit to the imagination and it makes you want more and more.. it makes you feel safe and secure, a little risque and exclusive..

The exclusivity of love is so appealing.. any and everybody can find, experience and be in love.. but it’s not the same experience for any two people.. Love is intimate, full of surprises and sacred.. it’s actually a lot more than I can put into words or even imagine..

It is my hope that true love finds every person..

I think I just got a bit too mushy! Buy Miguel’s album on iTunes let me know what your favorite songs are..

You can follow Miguel on twitter.. @migmoney..

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or via twitter @emellewriter

Just because I love you: bonus just in case I ever become a stripper favorite track <<Vixen>>

“love is too weak to define, just what you mean to me” -Prince, Adore

*speaking of true love, not the lust, like and confusion some of you busters deem love


This Is A Damn Shame

Posted in m. lauren speaks with tags , , , , on 08/03/2010 by emellewriter

Not only have I not written in ages for various reasons.. I have writers block (reason number 1)

I was reading Single Black Male and I got all inspired to blog.. but had nothing to blog about.. I mean.. really nothing whatsoever.. But I thought.. isn’t this blog about a young woman discovering herself as a single person and what she wants from life?! Well.. why don’t I just talk about that.. #duh

What I have learned in the past few months.. is what is important to me.. and that, of course, is the key to discovering who you are and what you want.. so…

What’s Important to Me:

1. School — Im going to grad school at the end of the this month and at least 5 times a day I think of something related to school

2. Money — or a lack thereof.. Because I am returning to school I am going to return to that old ballin stage known as “student”.. and the more I think about that.. the more I think about how I want to be fiscally responsible.. which leads to

3. Growing Up — Being spoiled has its perks.. you get whatever you want.. but that also means that you don’t learn the art of independence and taking care of yourself.. at this point I just want to be an adult and not have to depend on anyone else

The things that are most important to me involve becoming a better person and adult.. getting to know myself on a level I haven’t reached yet..

So even though I somewhat want a meaningful relationship.. I am in a place where I feel like I am not ready.. At this point in life.. getting in relationships just to have a “boyfriend” is basically stupid.. at this point (Im near 24 & out of undergrad) I am waiting for my husband to come along.. not a status “in a  relationship” on facebook.. I mean: stability..

Back to my not being ready: I don’t really have the time, energy or desire to build and maintain a brand new relationship.. all of my focuses revolve around me.. how could I devote any focus to another person when I am trying to build and maintain a relationship with myself!?

I’ve heard that men won’t get into relationships with women until they feel they’re done building upon themselves (i.e. career-focused) and that makes alot of sense.. If you are putting the majority of your focus on one thing and one person (self) why even drag another person into the mix!? They will probably end up neglected somehow anyway..

So I just decided to allow my focus to stick to what’s important to me and if a man comes along.. then it’s whatever..

It’s that attitude “it’s whatever” that lets me know that I may be ready in some ways horny as hell but not truly desiring a relationship or the pursuing of one.. or at least that I don’t need to be pursuing one

Its more important at this juncture to do what will make me a better person so that in the future when I meet someone.. I can put my focus into that relationship rather than leaving it on the backburner while I make myself greater