Losing My Voice

Remember when Ariel sold her voice to Ursula for love!? She was all legs and no voice, just walking around all in love with some prince on a yacht and couldn’t say shit?!

I pretty much did the same thing in the opposite, non-Disney way.

I kept ending up hurt in love (either by own hard-headedness or by silly ass men I had no business dealing with in the first place, which basically means: me, again). And in order to stop being or feeling hurt, upset or pissed off, I developed a shell.. I’m pretty sure it’s just made out of plexiglass though. I’m not a Gabrielle Union character just yet, but I am a little jaded, over it, done.

I got so tired of wanting something that I clearly wasn’t ready for, so sick of spending time thinking about people who weren’t worried about me, so annoyed with even hoping that this might turn out right. I just gave up.

I decided I was done meeting guys, dating guys, calling, texting or thinking about men. I was completely over it. And I decided to pull my focus into better things: God, school (which hasn’t started back yet) and saving up money for after graduation (so now I have 3 jobs). Not bad things to focus on.. but still..

My entire life I have been “boy crazy” I always liked meeting guys, talking on the phone, going on dates and yes, I even got a kick out of the drama. And then one day, it was just a wrap for that life.

I didn’t realize that I’d built up some sort of wall until a guy friend said to me “you don’t have to be so hard with me, you can say how you feel.” I was all like “WHAT?!” But I realized, he was right. I had gotten jaded, I hate hearing about relationships, often times I’m pretending I’m happy for someone when I really could care less and the thought of actually dating is so foreign to me now that I don’t even understand how people move past a first date.

I wasn’t even able to be honest with my friend about my feelings towards him unless they were negative (sorry, I’m so fucking rude). I meet guys and find 8,000 reasons to dislike them before they can find one to dislike me. I’ve said “I don’t care” so much that I actually began not to. I prayed away natural feelings because I thought it would make me feel better (it didn’t). I’ve broken all the “dating” rules but not in a good way. I’ve tried everything to stop myself from getting hurt, so much so that I ended up being hurt even worse.

Out of all the things I could stand to lose, I lost something I can’t live without: my passion.

Writing has been the one thing that I’ve loved ever since my first story in 4th grade. I haven’t been able to stop thinking in rhyme since then. But when I started building a wall around my heart, I stopped being able to think in color.

When I stopped halfway believing in love (which I hadn’t realized until now) I lost my voice. I gained legs, legs that could walk all up and through town never getting hurt by my own silly fantasies or men who acted but didn’t mean well. But I lost my voice.

This voice has been telling tales of love and lust since before I could even understand what the two words meant. This voice has been fueled by romps in the bed with damn near strangers. This voice has been inspired by finally getting the guy that I dreamed about. The voice has given life to disappointment, pain and the pure joy of being in love.

I have often told myself, there is more to life and more to write about than love. But in my silence I realize that God gave me a voice to write about just that. Sure, I can write about most anything: trees, being Black, couch pillows, cats. But writing about love is my thing. I get no better feeling that when I finish a poem or stream of consciousness that envelops love, hot steamy sex, hatred towards a love gone awry or wanting to be loved. It’s what drives me to write. And all those guys that I’ve been trying to desperately to protect my heart from? They helped to fuel that.

I’m not saying that I’m all ready to get back out there and give dating a real try fuck that but I am ready to take the wall down. If it is going to keep me from my voice, then I don’t need it. I spent so much time focusing on not losing that I lost what was most important to me. Never again.

So thank you to Josh, Robin, Monisa and DeMario for helping me find my voice again. -m. lauren


One Response to “Losing My Voice”

  1. Welcome back sis! Good post!

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