Things m. lauren Hates

1. Forgetting Things — I totally had a #1 in mind when I started this post and promptly forgot it as soon as I started typing! I know it was going to be hilarious.. Anywho.. my short term memory loss can probably be attributed to an excessive amount of stress that has come with being a grad student and brokeness and probably some of my extracurricular activities that I won’t speak on because “the boys is clockin”

2. Hood Ass Books — DEAR AUTHORS OF URBAN SHITERATURE (oh shit that was kinda clever), STOP! Stop trying to make me believe that there are literally thousands of big time drug dealers who are ballin in these streets, gettin all the bitches AND are fine as hell.. If there are so many, how are they making any money!?!? Also, I have YET to see a fine ass drug dealer in real life or on tv.. at best they’re moderately unattractive. Secondly, Stop trying to convince me that all chicks from the hood have kids at a young age, date and get taken care of by drug dealing sugar daddies, are finer than Beyonce and have that sex game on LOCK.. child please!! Lastly, save your delusions for day dreams, aint nobody tryna read about all the shit you wish was true but isn’t because you’re really locked up, old and fugly.. I have to digress because this could be an entire series of posts

3. Line Dances — or rather the expectation that I even care to learn a line dance.. JUST BECAUSE I’M BLACK does not mean that I want to electric slide or booty call my ass all up and through your tired ass wedding reception! Line dances are inane, doing the same steps over and over are tiring and boring.

4. Speaking of Dancing — Why do guys think it’s appropriate to walk up behind you and start grinding while you’re dancing alone or with your girls!? Great example of a guy’s idiocy: “you lookin kinda lonely over here” said to me last Thanksgiving where I was standing on some stairs KICKIN IT by myself! My friends were less than 8 feet away at the bar and I wanted to be cute by my damn self! Dancing alone =/= me being/feeling lonely or desperate.. it just means I know how to hang with my damn self.. Second.. If I’m dancing with a group of my friends and we’re in a formation of any sort (a circle, standing side by side, in front of each other doing the superman that hoe #dontjudgeme) that means I am having a good time with my girls.. I am NOT going out to meet a man.. I’m going to get stupid drunk and dance on the speakers hang with my girls.. back the hell up & get a Sprite thirst monster (lol it’s okay to be corny)

5. Mousepads on Laptops — I have a general hate for these because they move the mouse around when you’re typing, so you’re inserting words into sentences without even knowing it and now you have to ctrl + z just 85 times to figure out the issue..

6. Black People Who Get Mad When — white people make fun of us/them! How many times have you watched Chris Rock make commentary on “shit white folks do” or compare them to us?!??! But then when white people do that to us we get pissed!! For what!? Face it, black people are some damn bullies! We act like just because we’ve suffered some injustices we can go around taking it out on people but they can’t hit back!?! Eff that! If you whoop my ass for 7 years, I’m coming back with a haymaker for that ass!!! So expect the same from a white person who possibly feels the same way..

7. Reruns — I hate it when you wait ALL damn day for your favorite show to come on at 8/9/10 o clock and you finally turn and it’s an episode from earlier in the season that you already watched!! Then you have to find some other way to occupy your time because your whole, entire night was planned around watching Community!

8. Black Shows That Get Cancelled — I am STILL pissed at the CW for canceling Girlfriends without so much as a “sorry bitches”! For EIGHT years I sat on the edge of my seat wondering when the hell Joan was gonna get married, if Maya and Darnell could get back together and when the hell Lynn was gonna find her way, hoping that William found some male friends and Toni would get back to being friends with Joan because Monica wasn’t cuttin it for me! And all I got was a lousy last episode that didn’t answer a damn thing!! I am still waiting for my finale, or at least a letter from Mara telling me wtf happened (like how they do at the ends of movies) and yes, I am still bitter!! Living Single is another one of those shows

9. Groups and Their Causes — While I was flipping channels, I saw a headline on Fox News (ugh, I know) that said: “Women’s Group Thinks Hooters Should Not Serve Minors”! Nevermind the fact that these girls go to work everyday dressed like some slutty ass traffic cones. Nevermind the fact that “son of a bitch” just played on FOX’s Family Guy this past Sunday”. Nevermind the fact that Cosmo sells at the checkout line boasting headlines such as “how to have the best sex ever” every damn month. Nevermind the fact that kids can damn near see ass and titties on any cable channel. Nevermind the fact that it takes all of 7 seconds to realize that you can lie about your age on the internet and access sites like keezmovies (porn). Nevermind all of this bullshit.. these hoes are worried about some 10 year old boy gettin his kicks off seeing some boobies and eating some wings!?!? I say it’s a rites of passage to ogle chesticles with your dad while watching Rastlin (wrestling) and eating hot wings!

10. Was Going To Be People Who Bully Others However…

1o. Rihanna — She can’t sing, she can’t dress herself (but that’s what stylists are for) and she is basically annoying!! I mean.. she really CANNOT sing.. though there are a host of other people who cannot sing (Ashanti).. Rihanna is like.. a worldwide superstar with her Kim Zolciak ass! Then you have…….oh I don’t know!? Jazmine Sullivan with a phenom voice who should be selling out shows from here to Australia & going diamond  on every album!

11. People Who Record Fights — Why are you standing around, taping someone scrap in the street and then putting it on youtube!?!? How stupid is that?! Do something productive with your Flip digital recorder and make a low-budget movie or something!

12. THIS:

This is that coon ass bullshit

These are just a few of the things that really just work my last nerve, annoy me or I truly hate! Laugh along if you like and tell me what it is that you hate!

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