Reality Check

Posted in Girl Bye.., Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 07/04/2014 by emellewriter

Yesterday, I had made a decision that I was going to go home (I’m currently out of town) and let a certain someone know what time it was. I had made up in my mind what I wanted and how and he was going to have to get with it or keep it moving …

 

And then I read this post by Jewel at her blog: A Perfect Fit

 

reality check

 

So here’s some background … I have known Jewel since I was a young, heartbroken and determined college student. God brought her into my life just as I was healing from a terrible situation and seeking God. She isn’t a perfect person but a woman that loves the Lord and has an open and bright heart. I share this because I want anyone reading to understand that I don’t read her blogs for the sake of reading, but because I know her heart is in the words…

 

So the post that I just read was in short about single women who are dating: knowing our worth and that we are good enough. Please read the entire blog whether you’re single or taken, man or woman. It was enlightening.

 

In it, she talks about many of the same things I have spoken about (on this blog and in other realms) and things that I am currently going through. One particular paragraph really hit home for me:

 

If a guy tells you he’s not looking for anything serious-He’s NOT looking for anything serious. I don’t care how pretty you are, how seductive you are-listen to him. He’s not ready.

 

How many times have I said this myself? A million! I’ve posted it on FB and twitter and said it to my friends but it wasn’t until I read these sentences (in the context of the entire post) that it finally hit me. The exact thing that I had been warning other people about, is the same exact thing I was getting ready to go and do! I wanted to tell a man that has told me more than once that he isn’t ready that he should be ready because I want something from him that he is unwilling or unable to give. Nevermind the fact that I already know that I won’t get it. It’s just the rebel in me wanting to “take a chance.” As I was reading Jewel’s post and reflecting on my own thoughts about this particular man, I heard me telling myself :

 

nene-girl-bye

 

I had to take the largest of chill pills and tell myself: Girl, that man don’t wantchu! (lol, that’s what I said).

 

See, the thing is, I have held on to feelings for this person for quite some time. And, instead of just letting them go, I allowed myself to fall deeper into them by giving away my time and energy which only made things worse. The more time, the more frivolous PDA, the more … whatever that we give each other, the harder it is to distinguish between what’s been said and what’s been shown. Because what I see and what I hear are two different things but I learned a long time ago that men will usually be very verbally clear even if the actions they show you contradict that.

 

We try to be everything we think the man wants. We act cool, not too needy. We act like we’re just “hanging and having fun.” We put on a front not to scare them away. I will tell you this-once you get married all those things you hid will come to light. You tried putting your best foot forward by hiding things but it’ll come out sooner or later. So why not, just be intentional in dating? Forget “just having fun”, women are delicate! We can’t play “the game” like men. God created us to love, and nurture and have hearts. We love strong! And you weren’t designed to do that for every man you meet nor were you created to have your heart broken over and over again. Really no one is.

 

I have come to realize (the hard way) that I’m not a “kick-it girl”. I am a “move into your heart” type of woman. I am not pleased by the causal  nature of  many dating situations. I’m not okay with the “having fun” when in the back of my mind I know I want something more. I have known this for a long time, this is what I did.

 

So I quit dating. I quit selling myself for close to nothing. God had bought me for a price-and I was going to start charging! Every cute guy with a good line was NOT going to be able to “get to know me.” If God created ONE man for ONE woman, then he had to be special.

 

I “quit” dating probably about 2 years ago. In fact, when I told this to one of my good male friends and he asked why – my reply was that I had to be focused on other things like school. His reply was “once you graduate, then what will your excuse be?” At the time I rolled my eyes and explained to him that I wouldn’t find excuses, but when the time was right it would be right. Fast forward and I realize that he was right, however, it wasn’t excuses that I found, just better reasons.

 

I found that dating just wasn’t working for me the way I was going about it. I allowed too many people to have my number, my conversation, my time, my affection … So I stopped. I found the things that were holding me back and figured out what changes needed to be made: choosing celibacy, choosing to be more selective, giving time to people who really and truly care for my best interests and learning patience.

 

And it works. I still meet bozos here and there but it’s easier to weed them out.

 

delete delete delete

 

On the other hand, I have moments like the one I started the post about in the first place. Moments where I want to ignore what I know to be true and right for me and just do what feels good. Moments where I have to sit back and assess where my thoughts are coming from – my heart? my confused mind? the outside world? lust? And that is when God blesses me with things like Jewel’s post. Things that put into perspective all of the choices I have made to shield myself from the shallow and murky world of dating.

 

I know that there are God-loving men out here who are marriage-minded and that there is one made solely for me. And I know that when the time is right, he’ll come around and God will bless our union. And, in the meantime, I have to do ensure that I am making God choices, not Me choices.

 

For today, that meant realizing that no matter what feelings I have for the gentleman I previously spoke of, those feelings would be best left alone for now. He is not ready and truthfully, neither am I. That doesn’t mean that in the future we wouldn’t be right for each other but it certainly doesn’t mean that we will. We could both just as well be being prepared for two other wonderful people and our dealings could even be blocking that. I don’t know, just speculating. However, what I do know is that I can’t push any man to do or be anything I want him to be. That means that no matter how badly I would want to tell this guy that I want to be with him and he needs to get his life, it wouldn’t matter what I said. If he wanted to be with me, he would let it be known.

 

Sometimes we just need a reality check, whether from a friend or a stranger. My reality check stopped me from throwing my heart back into a place where I knew it might not be welcomed. It reminded me to be patient and to be dutiful in my growth as a Woman of God. All that other stuff will eventually come along and moments like these, they pass. I’m just grateful that Jewel saw fit to bring these words from her heart to her blog for women like me who need a little check every once in a while.

 

You can find her post here at A Perfect Fit. 

 

 

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Black Love

Posted in Uncategorized on 06/03/2014 by emellewriter

I wrote this awhile ago… enjoy loves!

Image

One Last Statement On Black Love

I love your brown skin

Next to mine

I love your thick hair

Coiled into locs

I love your dark eyes

Piercing, peering into mine

I love your strong back

Lifting, toiling, working overtime

I love your deep voice

Drilling into my senses

I love your deep thoughts

Driving into my soul

I love your style

Your gait

Your lips

I love your raised fist

Your head high

Your unapologetic blackness

I love your … everything

brown brother to my soul

lover to my heart

this is for you

 

It Has Been Years… I know

Posted in Uncategorized on 06/03/2014 by emellewriter

I haven’t used this blog in a very long time and although I didn’t miss it.. I found some old articles and writing that reminded me of how far I have come since I started writing in the 4th grade…

 

I bought a domain about a year ago to premier two projects I am working on and I want to use that new site for all of my writing… but I haven’t had the site built yet because in my head.. I got nothin!

 

In the meantime… I will check in here from time to time and look for new followers, admirers and lovers…

 

Just know this… things have changed drastically in my life (as they should have) so some of my content and context has changed… but not all… you’ll enjoy it anyway if you read it 😉

 

 

Cinderella aint shhhhhh..

Posted in Love Actually.., The Way I See It with tags , , , , on 09/26/2011 by emellewriter

I have often felt saddened by the realization that I’d fit so well into a man’s life that it’s like we’re best friends but we don’t feel those strong romantic tugs at our hearts for each other.

Then right now.. I had an epiphany, that is the problem! That notion that I have to feel some strong romantic tug telling me that I am head over heels for someone.

I had that before and that negro ended up being a crazy sonofapossiblecrackhead..

Perhaps, what I need is that man that makes me feel good telling him anything, who makes me laugh, who makes me want to play.. even if I don’t feel earth shattering love feelings for him.. something that is easy and easy to handle..

Maybe I’ve been looking too hard.. and not only that.. too hard for the wrong things..

I’ve got a good thing going and I almost ruined it with silly notions like those.. maybe it’s time to let go of the Cinderella fantasy and truly follow my heart.. because right now I think it’s pointing in the right direction…

Who said love had to feel like a Hans Christian Andersen story!??

Posted in m. lauren speaks on 09/26/2011 by emellewriter

I feel happy.. loving.. indifferent.. hopeful.. bright.. sunny.. invigorated and like a new person all at once..

What happened?! I don’t think anything special happened! I did as much homework as I could over the weekend, spent time with family and relaxed a bit.. but nothing about that is unordinary..

Maybe it’s just God answering my many prayers!!

Crazy Crazy CRAZY

Posted in Let Me Explain with tags , , , , on 09/06/2011 by emellewriter

Ladies…

If a dude doesn’t want you.. just give it up!! Whether it’s something wrong with you or something that has nothing to do with you.. accept it and keep it moving!!

Nothing is worse than a desperate female clinging to a fantasy of a man she’s created in her mind… He’s just not the one for you!! Rather than waste all your time trying to be stuck to someone that’s trying to shake you, spare yourself the drama and wait for the guy intended for your life..

And seriously.. nothing is uglier than interfering in his life when he has something better new going on.. Let him live..

When a man says he doesn’t want you.. he.does.not.want.YOU.. there’s nothing you can do to wear him down or convince him that he should be with you.. And if he’s met someone else, don’t be a jealous, spiteful heifer.. just leave it be..

And please don’t stalk, that’s just not cute!

I understand what it’s like to want someone to want you the way that you want them, but it’s pointless to keep trying when the other person is giving you zero effort.. whether he says it or gives you non-verbal cues, you need to pay attention and act accordingly..

I could go on and on but I don’t have the time or energy for crazy people….

Specify Your Goals

Posted in m. lauren speaks with tags , , , , on 08/29/2011 by emellewriter

I just started doing a daily devotional using the Bible app on my phone. Today’s was about being specific in your goals… I thought I’d share:

Be Specific About Your Future

In order to get to where you want to be, you need to describe exactly what you want. For instance, Abraham told Eliezer exactly what kind of wife he wanted for Isaac. He told him to go back to the land of his relatives instead of picking Isaac’s wife from among the Canaanite women.

You will never reach a vague goal. The more general it is, the less power it has. But the more specific it is, the more power it has in your life.

Ask yourself these four questions: 1) What do I want to be? 2) What do I want to do? 3) What do I want to have? 4) Why do I want it?

You can’t just know the what, you need to know the why – that’s your motivation. If you don’t know why, you will give up when it gets tough.

When Eliezer heard Abraham’s goal, he started asking “What if?” If you listen to the what-ifs of your goal, you will fail because of worry and fear.

You don’t need to focus on the how for now because, once you figure out the why, God will show you how. He will help you solve the problems that stand in the way of your goal.

Reading: Gen 24: 3-4

This was just in time for me… not only confirming but reassuring… Hope it is for you as well