Merry Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve.. I am visiting some family and I am very excited.. why!?

1. Presents (I know.. Im all selfish and whatnot right?!)

2. Food (seafood)

3. New Years Eve (party party party lets all get wasted.. and that midnight kiss)

4. New Year..

2009 was not my best year.. some good things happened but alot of the worse things of life happened to me this year.. so I am looking forward to a new year and hopefully some new things.. new job, new money, new man (men, who am I kidding) and new blessings.. Im thankful for the good.. but lawwwwwd the bad.. well at least I learned from it…

Anywho.. I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit.. but.. it probably wont be exciting until tomorrow! Right now.. I just want to unfocus my mind and chill out.. I just wanted to post quickly to say Merry Christmas.. I am not sure if you’ll hear from me before 2010.. I hope so.. but I get so wrapped up in laziness.. (thats a damn shame)..

So.. have a safe and happy holiday..

Let Me Smell Yo…

Shoulda never gave you muthafcukas Youtube.. Its more fcukery than a little bit.. and I just canNOT..

“Smell Yo D*ck” is a “song” by Riskay feat. Aviance and Real.. Real tuuurrible..

I get it.. you think your man’s been cheating so you want to smell his manparts.. to see if they smell like vaj or Irish Springs.. umm ew.. the only reason to put your face that close to a peen is to give it some action.. if you have to bend down to unzip and sniff.. there is an issue.. whose ghetto mama came up with the idea of crotch sniffing!? Sigh..

Get all up and into this video.. peep Aviance’s “Bo Peep” hair she bought from Halloween USA.. the metallic blue corset and the words “OFFICIAL VID”.. also.. please peep the lyrics as they are ridiculous.. With as much talent as these three have o_O.. that was the best they could come up with!?

Excuse me while I Google what a non-cheating penis is supposed to smell like for future reference..

Is That Valtrex!?

Imagine you are at someone’s house.. you’ve just finished bangin their brains out.. and you go to the bathroom.. while washing your hands.. you look up and notice the cabinet door is open.. and eye level to your peepers is a medicine bottle.. with your hosts name on it.. of Valtrex..

 WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!

Go Oops Upside His Head

|| I wrote this post on Friday.. I was supposed to get back online and publish it but.. I didn’t feel like it.. enjoy even in it’s lateness ||

I know yall all know about the Tigerama by now.. Lawwwwd chile!! I can’t keep a straight face on this one..

SHIFTY EYED ASS..

Everybody is giving ol TW the sideeye because he cheated on his wife and she two-pieced him!? I don’t know why anyone is surprised.. Okay yes I do..

1. Tiger plays golf – we expect a basketball, football player, rapper, etc. to cheat on his wife.. but a golf player?! Well.. why not!? Here is why:

• Gold diggers are not stupid - your average gold digger will go after the star player on the court.. a smart gold digger will go after the grand prize.. the so-so lookin dude who can get along with daddy & bankroll her life *note these gold diggers are not broke ass hoes givin head for courtside seats*
• He’s got more bank than your average - Tiger has 50-leven endorsements from every-which-a-where.. Gillette to Nike..
• Small chance of injury - Now.. we all see the damage a man’s favorite iron can do.. but how else is Tiger gonna get hurt?! A golf ball to the eye?! Cosmetic damage.. He could probably suffer a shoulder injury.. but c’mon man.. he can’t possibly be as at risk as his ball-handling counterparts

2. His wife is white - It is clear as day that white folks are crazy as hell (Dahmer anyone?).. but when it comes to ringin the alarm.. we think black women have the game on lock.. NO SIR.. a hurt woman is a hurt woman no matter what shade or class.. she was really G about it too.. just like your mama’s friend that keyed up her mans Caddy because she saw him steppin out with that hussy Deborah from Broadway and 16th.. she took his most prized possession and tried to go upside his head with it..

Now.. I don’t have the time of day to manuver through this Tigerama.. there is too much going on.. all these jump-offs coming out.. black people mad because now Tiger is back on our side and whatnot.. then there’s the case of ‘domestic abuse’ because she at least scratched him up..

But these are my thoughts.. Remember this is mostly entertainment..

Why do women who marry famous men get mad when they cheat!? I know that we all hope that the man we’re with will be faithful.. but c’mon son.. even broke ass project dudes cheat!.. You have to realize that sex is like a formula

desire + opportunity = KNOCKIN IT OUT THE PARK

Think about how much opportunity there is for a public figure to get hit up for sex.. once the desire is peaked.. it is hard for him to not smash.. I bet Tiger has more groupies than a little bit.. all these silly girls waste their time on the wrong fishies.. if Tiger wasn’t so damn funny lookin I woulda been on it too.. (okay and married.. damn)

*edited.. would I have been Tiger’s 11th!? DAMN SON!*

Blogging

Bored baby ain't on it neitha!

Looka here readers..

Today.. I am not on it.. Too much is going on for me to put all these thoughts in a logical order.. they are about as jumbled up as 4000 spaghetti noodles.. so.. here are some things I was thinking about..

10 Random “Idontcareifyoucare” Thoughts (and a bonus for being so good).. 

1. Tiger Woods – DAMN SON!! If I had known Tiger had it like that.. I woulda been down in FL KNOCKIN IT OUT THE PARK.. I mean.. he is not so appealing to the eye.. and supposedly has a whack ass d game.. but c’mon.. the sorta-brotha canNOT be cheap (at least I hope to hell not).. these hoes better be gettin some money.. and that wife of his got a settlement to STAY.. whaaaaaat?! Tig.. call me when Elin leaves and you need a ride or die who won’t ring the alarm on your ass.. these groupies are a triiiiiip..

*no, I don’t encourage groupie sex for money.. I ENDORSE IT.. NEXT*

2. Lettin a man be a man – What is it with you women who are always tryna run ish?! Granted.. I understand that you worked “TOO DAMN HARD” to get your 4 PhD’s and buy Tyler Perry’s mansion and wear tight ass suits everyday.. but DAMN SON!! You won’t let your man lay down the law in his house?! Are you reaaaally gonna act like Taraji in that 15 minutes of “Not Easily Broken” that I saw!? First you walk all over him with your fancy degrees and independence.. theeeen you have the nerve to not let the brotha be a man?! Emasculating 101 will not be taught by this woman.. hell I aint never claimed to me nobodies independent anything.. TAKE CARE OF ME DAMMIT

3. 5 Star Bitches – ‘SCUSE?! First off.. what is a 5 star chick?! I am not going to take the time out to listen to that idiotic song.. so I guess I shall neeeever know.. However.. I am pretty sure that it is some kind of i-n-d-e-p.. you get it woman… with a fat ass.. cute face and some other great ‘values’.. I am also pretty positive that most of the women calling themselves 5 stars are not stars at all.. I am sure that being on welfare doesn’t make you a 5 star.. and neither do quick weaves.. umm I just cannot

||edited to say: Star backwards spells Rats.. that is all||

4. Baby Makin Music – I love to get down w/ some slow jams in the background.. and no.. all the songs don’t have to be slow tempoed.. but Juelz Santana?!?!.. GDFOHWDS.. I can’t concentrate on the pleasure if all I hear is “SANTANA.. AYE!”.. stop it fivvvvvve << Cam’ron reference

5. Marriage – what can I say?! The girl wants to get married.. one day.. but I think my reasoning is pretty damn selfish

• To have constant d – I mean.. as long as he’s on point (which I shall know before hand).. then I would be happy gettin that on the regular.. oooh yeah married people don’t have sex that much do they?! ..
• To be taken care of financially stable – his two incomes are better than mine one.. he can go to work and be all sexy and suited up.. and I’ll be sexy and shopping.. win/win

6. Drop It Low – I keep joking with people that I want to be a stripper.. I mean.. not for a career.. I just want to strip to see what its like.. why is that so bad?! I can shake my ass.. can’t I?! People look at me like.. what?! Strip for yo man?! NO DUMMY.. STRIP FOR MONEY.. I could see me up on that used-to-be shiny pole.. trying not to trip in my stripper heels.. collecting dirty ones with nutsac sweat covering them off the stage.. STRIPPERS UNITE

7. Say What’s Up Nigga – see.. there are certain times when ‘niggas’ and ‘bitches’ are appropriate terms.. when dealing with ignorance of any kind.. you shall be referred to as such.. I hate it when BITCH ASS NIGGAS (see?! how appropriate) say one thing and act another way.. I also hate when they don’t follow directions.. If i say “be upfront”.. why the hell can’t you just do that?! wtf?! Are you hard at hearing!? Does Frankie have to spell it out for you?! I digress

8. I Bet You Think This Status Is About You – Dear Men.. AINT NOBODY STUTTIN YOU.. why do yall think that every twitter update.. facebook or bbm status is about you?! “I love me some him” is a busted ass SONG LYRIC STUPID.. maybe I been on my Toni B is still alive campaign.. DAMN SON.. ego is too big fa me!

9. Keep your legs shut TIGHT – what happened to virgins?! Besides Angela Simmons.. do they exist!? Now.. I want to know because there are some untainted souls that I would like taint.. inquire about.. Furthermore.. as a woman.. would you ever take a man’s virginity?! Me, myself, personally, IMO << ego >> I just can’t see it.. I mean.. I am all up for teaching him what I like.. but teaching him the game itself!? OHH NOO MY BROTHA!! Think about it.. when a guy is like.. 19.. his stroke game is still pretty whack because he should have been has been recently devirginized (unless some grown hoe sucked him off… No Cash Money).. so when he gets into his mid-20s and up.. he should have a grasp on the up and down-stroke.. so if he is a virgin.. how long will he have to be in tutoring until he can pass the test the first time!? I AINT GOT THAT KINDA TIME

10. Please No 360s – speaking of stroke game.. There is one particular move that my friends and I like to refer to as 360.. yes CIRCLES.. laaaaaawd chile boo! For some reason.. alot of men like to move their hips in a circular motion and thrust on the upstroke (I just made that ish up).. I am sure you know the move.. I would not recommend this move fellas.. it is not for everyone.. it takes a special sized kind of man to keep this type of movement going.. just.. don’t

11. If You Tryna Hit It, Please Put A Ring On It – not literally.. but Single Ladies has been in my head for the past 3 days.. which is torturous for the kid.. now.. gone are the days when m. lauren will ride that pony without a stable to park it in.. does that make sense?! (I was gonna say w/o a saddle but that would be a condom reference right?!.. FCUK.. #metaphorfail).. I am over casual sex.. but these men aren’t.. they wanna knock it out the park as soon as possible with no strings.. NO SIR.. if you are tryna get my panties in a bunch.. then you must be ready to be exclusive.. And no.. we don’t even have to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend.. we can just say.. we’re together.. JUST DON’T BE SADDLIN UP NO OTHER PONIES (okay.. that one worked right?)

|| Please Note — these points are made in jest with some truth to them.. I am just a silly girl in a too serious world.. laugh at your own leisure ||

The Virtual Love Connection

I have heard this so many times: “Facebook is not EHarmony!” Well neither is the grocery store, church or the sleazy club that doesn’t sell a decent martini.. none of these places were formed so that people could meet possible S.O.s.. it just happened that way!

Any place that gets members of the opposite sex together is automatically a haven for match making.. yes that means the gas station, work and the restaurant with the good margaritas and the cute waiter..

If a public real-live place can be a cove of love connections, why can’t a social-networking site?! I’ve always thought of facebook like sitting in a classroom on the first day, a bunch of people who you don’t know can meet and get to know each other, except they are sitting in front of a computer rather than in front of you blocking your view of the chalkboard

Make the love connection:

1. You have direct connections to your peers - When I first got on facebook.. it was strictly for college students.. all the people who I befriended were people who I would eventually see on the Oval or at Catfish Biffs (OSU spots).. but being that I went to the largest school in the country.. it was impossible to get to know even half of these people.. facebook broke the ice for me and so many people.. there were automatic conversation starters online (oh, do you still live in the Towers?) and in person (hey, aren’t you my facebook friend?).. it was kind of like being at a networking event & seeing someone who you thought was cute..

2. Takes the pressure of face to face off - The first time I met someone in real life off of facebook, I already knew things about them because we’d messaged, exchanged im’s and eventually phone numbers.. meeting them offline was just a prereq to see if they were really cute, if they could hold their own in person and if they were as interesting as they appeared.. Once they came to the dorm.. or Marketplace or wherever we planned to meet.. the conversation flowed easily because we already had kind of met..

3. The ice is broken - I already mentioned this.. but I think it deserves its own point.. when you are a part of a social networking site, you are open to meeting all types of characters.. Plus your pictures and other information are posted.. so being found in a public place isn’t all that strange.. I have met so many people who I follow or they follow me on twitter.. or they are friends of mine of facebook.. it breaks the ice because it feels like you know this person in passing are just getting the opportunity to speak with them.. Plus you can talk about how crazy it is that you met them in real life and about how your kids are going to hell in a hand basket because they won’t have interpersonal skills

4. Ability to multi-task - multi-tasking in relationships is frowned down upon.. this is also known as cheating.. but when you are not in a relationship.. you are free to multi-task (date) as much as you want.. bein a part of a social network opens you up to meeting a bajillion people.. thus having the ability to date any one of them in real life who want to date you.. Now.. multi-tasking in the literal sense is also easy to do during social networking.. you can aim with your girlfriend, write a paper, talk on the phone, twitter your basketball buddies.. blah blah you get it.. the internet gives you the ability to negate undivided attention and spread it out without anyone being the wiser

5. Once you meet, you can tweet - The past.. oh I don’t know? 5 guys I met have asked me.. “do you have facebook or something?”.. When I meet people.. it’s dark or brief or something not conducive for getting to know you banter or seeing clearly.. so hopping on facebook after a couple of texts or a phone call will remind you what they looked like and give you some insight into what types of things they like.. and how stupid they may be (status messages).. everything from favorite movies to thier take on the war may appear on facebook.. you now have a *bonus mode of communication and informational gathering

I have to say.. I don’t have a problem with meeting people on social networking sites.. it happens.. there are only two types of people who I have a problem doing this

1. People who get on sites specifically to meet people .. it’s not a site for dating, it’s a site for networking.. love connections happen by chance

2. Creepy McCreepsters who get on sites like Myspace to meet young girls with ’sexi pics’.. they should be on To Catch A Predator

Facebook, twitter, etc. are great places to make connections with people who you have a lot in common with.. sometimes love connections can be made.. be open to them.. Love does not have a time or meeting place assigned to it..

Get your eharm on..

m. lauren

Teach Your Child Some Manners

This incident is old but still pisses me off..

I am pretty much obsessed with the library.. I go about two-three times a weeks and dont usually leave with less that 5 books.. One particular day.. I was leaving the library with.. no lie.. about 20 books.. IN MY ARMS.. I am talking.. huffing and puffing, strained face, about to collapse, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO OPEN THE DAMN DOOR.. 20 books..

Most libraries have two doors.. do you know that I had to exit BOTH doors without assistance?!

Well the reason it pissed me off is because a young black man was in the corridor between both doors.. meaning he could have grabbed both.. at the very least he could have pushed the f’ing handicapped button.. but did he!? No his inconsiderate ass watched me kick at the damn door.. How I got to my car is a mystery.. How I got there without cussing his young ass out is also a mystery (I likely ASKED for his assistance)

What the hell?! It’s not about me being a woman OR me being another black person.. I am S T R U G G L I N G  with 20 books in my arms and look like Im about to collapse.. GETCHOASSUPANDHELPMENEGRO..

When did it become the norm to be inconsiderate, rude and not have manners?! Why don’t these children have hometraining!? Where are thier mothers!? I hope if I EVER have a man-child that I teach him how to treat people in general with respect.. how dare you look someone in their eye and not help them in need?!

Do you know how many doors I’ve held.. how many things I’ve picked up that someone dropped!? How many times I’ve told a girl in the club that money was hanging out of her pocket.. after she looked at me like I was tryna take her home!? Oh.. yes.. I have MANNERS.. I have self-respect and respect for people.. I don’t understand how people just don’t..

Maybe I was just blessed with a good family with down home Southern Hospitality and common sense?!

I am telling you.. I had to let that one out.. the next young “man” I see who is that disrespectful.. will be getting the biz from me.. ohhh chile.. I hope he doesn’t catch me on a bad day..

This was a vent.. but trust.. when I get over my anger.. or cuss someone out.. I’ll give a full post..

Those are MY Kids

I saw this picture and said to myself: WHAT THEE HAIL!?!?

 

Now.. here we have a beautiful family.. I cannot deny that.. but it’s not complete.. these girls clearly have a different father than Djimon.. and I was thinking.. how would you feel seeing a CHRISTMAS CARD (not just some run of the mill snapshot) with your children and another man.. hell he is holding one of Russell’s children’s hands..

I am using this picture as an illustration of my thought process.. not to harp on thier lives/domestic setup..

I just cannot see being the parent to a child and feeling 100% okay with having another woman picture with them for the holidays.. these are my kids.. step back buddy! It just gives the image that the original parent is not in the picture.. and maybe that they are okay with someone else raising thier children.. well thats what it looks like to me..

I just can’t see giving my stamp of approval like: “yes ma’am.. gon head and take picthurs wit ma kids like u raised em” .. NUUUUH! You better get your own damn kids to take Christmas Card pictures with..

What do you think!?

KINGSROWE — Guest Blog

My World AIDS Day blog has been guested on Kingsrowe.com.. check out their site and read my blog over there!!

luv music // F.O.E.

I know.. I have been slippin on my pimpin.. but how’s about this? I got some music for you..

F.O.E. Gang (Family Over Everything)… out of New York.. their album “Back to the Essence” is out..

Check out these songs..

Glamorous.. a ‘take you home’ song

and

Those Eyes.. ‘it aint trickin if you got it’ song

Follow them on twitter:

@foeent
@foegang
@tdotfoelife
@shisefoe
@irobb4beatz

Check them out

umm.. and while you’re at it.. follow me too @callmemlauren